


Wide Grins and Bitter Tears [HIATUS]

by chocolienits



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Self-Hatred, Slow Build, Unrequited Love, but only at first guys dont worry, hide is... kind of insecure, i dont want to spoil too much but the real angst is coming later, kaneki and hide are in their high school/early college years but they're on summer break, no mentoins of ghouls
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-04-28 02:35:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 31,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5074072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolienits/pseuds/chocolienits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He could spend hours staring at that beautiful, fragile boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I lost track of time long ago.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY GUYS LOOK THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING ANYTHING SERIOUS AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT I'M DOING BUT IF YOU DECIDE TO READ YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME PLEASE GO AHEAD I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THIS
> 
> Big thanks to [youre-really-hot-so-i](https://youre-really-hot-so-i.tumblr.com) on Tumblr for motivating me and giving me ideas!! You're the best, ily Karla

It was a gloomy day.

 

Dark, angry clouds scattered across what used to be a bright blue sky, coating it like a sheet, keeping it hidden from the earth beneath. Loud raindrops fell hard onto the dry ground and concrete, soon enough turning it into mud and creating large puddles. It came down suddenly, without much of a warning, except for the threatening clouds which ghosted around the sky ever since the early hours of the morning, only to gather together to create a massive mess of raging thunder clouds.

 

The busy streets of Tokyo started clearing up a bit, people running under roofs for a chance of staying dry and waiting in shops and cafés for the rain to calm, hoping it would end soon even though the clouds were making it clear that it was not even close to a slight possibility.

 

From the window of a not-too-small, not-too-big apartment perfect for the black haired, book loving, scrawny student living in it, peeked a bundle of messy blond hair.

 

"Yo, 'Neki! It's raining buckets outside! It hasn't rained in a while," informed the owner of the blond mess of hair.

 

The blond absorbingly examined the people running through the storm to get to wherever they were heading, trying to stay as dry as possible, even though it was useless seeing as they were already soaked wet.

 

A certain black haired boy glanced over to where his friend stood, looking out the window. It was, indeed, raining. And it was raining a _lot_.     

 

"I think we won't be able to go to that 'crazy amusement park' you wanted to show me, Hide," blankly avowed the raven head, "looks like we're staying in."

 

Hide pursued his lips in a small displeased pout before turning to stare at his best friend sitting on the bed nearby, but the other had already immersed himself in yet another book.

 

"Kaaaneekiiii!" pouted the blond, "Come on! You promised me we would goooooooo."

 

Without even looking up from his book, Kaneki simply replied, "You yourself said it was 'raining buckets'," a pout, "we'll get soaked wet even if we use an umbrella or raincoats..." another pout.

 

Hide tilted his head backwards in slight annoyance but he knew they wouldn't go. How could a simple storm ruin his day like this? Well, maybe it wasn't completely ruined yet... It seems he was going to spend the rest of the day with Kaneki.

 

The pout on the brightly dressed teen's face soon turned into a wide grin at the thought. He happily approached his best friend and fell onto his bed. Hide stretched his arms and looked at the quiet boy sitting next to him, completely engrossed in the book at hand.

 

He could spend hours staring at that beautiful, fragile boy.

 

The boy's silky black hair briefly falling into his breath-taking silver eyes. His pale skin soft and barely warm, so perfect it looks almost like porcelain, and---   

 

 _'No, stop. That's wrong. Stop,'_ the blond shook his head as if to shake the thoughts out of his head. He could feel a strange warmth flood through his stomach and lightly go under his ribs.

 

Hideyoshi breathed in slowly and quietly, as to not disturb the boy next to him, who had completely forgotten himself in the alternate world of his book.

 

In attempts to calm himself down he focused on the soft, brief breathing of the other and the careful flipping of the thin pages of the book. The rain was hitting hard against the window and cars could be heard hurriedly driving outside.

 

As he did that a deep silence settled between him and the raven head. It wasn't a heavy or an awkward silence. No, it was a mildly comfortable one. They just stayed still, next to each other, only occasional thunders making them slightly flinch. It was nice, the silence felt welcoming and lovely, like the feeling of finally returning home to your loved ones after a long day at school or work.

 

They didn't need to talk much, just being in each other's company was enough. It has always been.

 

Hideyoshi lay there, looking at the rain, giving Ken occasional glances as if to check if the boy is still there, on the bed, sitting next to him, alive, breathing. Make sure he is okay. He wished to hug the black haired boy, he wished to hold him close and make sure everything is alright. He wished to hold him and be with him forever, to protect him and to make him feel loved like no one has made him feel before. He wanted to run his fingers across the petite jawline, his cheek, his beautiful, thin and slightly pink lips. Everything about him was just too overwhelming and gorgeous.   

 

 _'I really should stop this... Hideyoshi, he is your best friend. It won't ever happen,'_ thought the blond whilst he scrunched his face in disgust.

 

The messy haired teen tried his best to stop thinking and just focus on the ceiling. It was a light gray colour, nothing on it. Nothing interesting, but still a good distraction.

 

Suddenly, he felt legs being put over his stomach. Hide jumped slightly at the sudden contact but calmed down immediately, it was Kaneki. A small satisfied smile made its way onto the raven head's lips when Hide was looking at him, puzzled, trying to figure out why.

 

Oh, hell, who cares why.

 

"Kaaaaaaaaaaaanekiii!!! I'm strangled! You strangled me!!" whined the victim of the leg attack. He was only playfully pretending to be distressed which you could realise if you looked at the toothy, shiny grin placed on his face and the way his warm, chocolate eyes filled with happiness and excitement.

 

He poked his friend's leg and cried, "Kaaannneekkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii commmee oonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn you can't just do that!" oh, he could. They both knew he could and the black haired boy took advantage of that. Quiet laughter bubbled in Kaneki's throat.

 

"OH SO YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME. SO **THAT** 'S WHAT YOU THINK OF ME??" Hide exclaims in faked hurt and betrayal, "I am hurt, Kaneki. You hurt me. But I forgive you because I love you," added the blond, putting his right hand on his chest theatrically and wiping away invisible tears with the other. Deep down he knew what he said was true to some extent.

 

Kaneki just rolled his eyes at that and smiled, "I love you too, Hide."

 

Hide laughed fondly and gazed at his best friend. He knew it was meant in a friendly manner and in the back of his head, it saddened him. But he tried to shoo it away quickly because there was no point in being sad about that.

 

An idea popped up in the blond's head.. He smiled mischievously at it and propped himself up and balanced himself on his elbows and looked the other straight in the face, trying to get the boy to look up from his book. Soon enough he did, the smile still present on his features but now seeming a tad bit confused.

 

"Hide?" asked Kaneki. Something was bound to happen soon, he knew.

 

What the sunshine boy did next, was completely unexpected, though. He laid his upper body across the raven head's legs, that were already on top of Hide, this way making some sort of a body sandwich.

 

"Now I got you!! You can't escape me now, Kaneki!!! We're going to be a body sandwich forever!" declared Hide, the mischievous smile now getting brighter and turning into a grin.

 

Kaneki stared at Hide for a moment or two before starting to giggle, his cheeks turning a light shade of soft pink, corners of his eyes wrinkling slightly as he closed his eyes while laughing.   

 

Hide grinned; he made him laugh. There was nothing like the feeling of making Kaneki laugh... Or smile... Or blush and sheepishly look to the side..

 

There was nothing like the feeling of making Kaneki feel happy and good, and safe and...

 

...and loved.

 

In those moments he knew for sure, Kaneki was going to be okay. He knew he made his life better and that he is comfortable with him. He knew he hadn't done anything wrong.

 

And yet, he felt like he had.

 

For a brief moment, Hide's face darkened but it disappeared as soon as it appeared, making it seem as if it never even happened. It caught Kaneki off guard and he gazed at Hide for a moment, concerned.

 

Hide just smiled back softly,"What is the book you're reading about?"

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Bllleeuurrgghhhhh," groaned the bored-out-of-his-mind teen sitting on the floor, back against the bed which another, seemingly smaller and gloomier, teen sat atop and read.

 

Hide waited for some kind of a reaction from Kaneki. Nothing.         

 

"Bbl **l** ee _eA_ Aaa **u** _ **U** rr_ggh **gh** h," he tried again. When all he got was the sound of sheets ruffling from underneath Kaneki while he shifted his position, he whined, "Kanekiiiii... I'm booorreeed..."

 

"Is there anything I can do to help with that?" inquired the other.

 

"Tell me something I can dooooooo not to diiieeeeeeee of boorredoomm," Hide weept, obviously exaggerating.

 

Kaneki sighed and looked around; what could Hide possibly like to do in his apartment while it's still storming like crazy outside?

 

"Maybe... You could read a book?" Kaneki suggested, hesitant.

 

"Noooooooooooo that is too much...", immediately declined the blond, "Your books only have words in them, they make me sleeeepyyyy..."

 

Kaneki searched the room with his eyes, his eyebrows knitted together in thought, "Maybe you could watch the TV?"

 

"Nah, I already tried that, 'Neki... Almost nothing worked thanks to the storm... The only channel working was that weird sports channel with the annoying dictator lady..."

 

Kaneki glanced at Hide who dropped his hand onto his face in frustration and his lips formed something in between a displeased frown and a pout. He slowly breathed through his nose and turned his head to the side, facing away from Kaneki now, "That's it, then. I am going to die. Of boredom! What a boring way to die... I can't even _believe_ it! Can you, Kaneki??" the disappointed boy cried in disbelief, while Kaneki just chuckled quietly to himself.

 

A lightning bolt lit up the terrifying, pitch-black sky.

 

The more he looked at Hide, the more he realised how beautiful he is. Not in a romantic way, he simply was very, **very** beautiful. Anyone would think that if they looked at the beaming sunshine incarnate the bright teen was. His skin was perfect, slightly tanned, since it was the start of July. If you looked closely you could see freckles dusted around his nose and cheeks. He also had some in places even Hide didn't know, but Kaneki did; like on his back and the back of his shoulders. Hide had beautiful, warm, chocolate coloured eyes which, if you paid attention, had a glimpse of amber in them. When he was happy or excited his eyes sparkled and shone like the sun itself. Kaneki loved looking into them, getting lost in them, diving deep into the brown irises. His features were warm and welcoming, just like home. If beauty could kill, everyone who has seen Hide's smile would be dead. Hell, anyone who has ever caught a glimpse of him would just die on the spot.

 

Thunder growled loudly, as if it was just outside the window.

 

Whenever Hide laughed it made Kaneki feel warm, made him want to sigh and close his eyes and inhale the smell of sunflowers, cinnamon and vanilla, the smell of a hot sunny day and freshly baked sweets. The smell of Hide.

 

Pretty much everyone loved the boy, he was perfect. And Ken had the honour of having him as his best friend. He doesn't understand, doesn't _know_ what he has ever done to deserve someone this good, this loving, this _perfect_. He has never done anything good enough to return what Hide did for him. He was not worthy of him.

 

**He was not worthy.**

 

He was very grateful, though. He was happy and very, very lucky to be friends with someone like Hide.

 

Lightning flashed quickly, immediately followed by another fit of multiple thunders.

 

"Kaneki? What's up, man?" all of a sudden, the blond's voice echoed through Kaneki's head, startling him and making him drop his book into his lap.

 

"H-Huh..?" mumbled Kaneki, staring at Hide, who was now worriedly looking at him.

 

"What's wrong, Kaneki? You were staring off into space and weren't answering..." voice soaked with earnest concern, Hide was about to stand up and reach out to Kaneki.

 

"Oh..? I guess I was just thinking and spaced out," Kaneki replied quickly, laughing uneasily and rubbing his arm, not wanting to concern Hide any more. Kaneki didn't think he deserved his concern, "sorry."

 

Hide stared into Kaneki's eyes with worry, as if deciding whether or not to believe him and let it slide, but soon enough he smiled reassuringly up at his black haired friend, "No need to apologise, Kaneki. It's all right."

 

Then he turned his gaze to the window and his smile faltered and his brows formed a frown, "Maaaannnn, it's still raining," Hide dropped his head onto the bed in frustration, "darn you, weather!"

 

The raven just shook his head and smiled at the blond. Cursing at the weather? Really, Hide?

 

Then he locked his gaze on the window, just as his friend was just now. It was dark, completely dark. It was not possible to tell what time it was because of the thick, angry thunder clouds. The only indicators of time were the clocks in Kaneki's apartment, "I wonder what time it is?"

 

Big, heavy raindrops hit against the window and thunder could be heard, loud and impossible to ignore.

 

When he received no answer, Kaneki sighed.

 

He glanced back at the blond only to find him still looking out the window, caught in thought.

 

Kaneki decided to let him be and returned to his oh-so fascinating book dropped in his lap, carefully taking it in his hands, treating the book with care as he reopened it where he stopped reading.

 

"You know what, Kaneki..." muttered the blond, just loud enough for the other to hear, as his face slowly turned from a displeased expression to a determinated one, " **screw this** ," he said as he stood up and looked at Kaneki, flashing him a very pleased grin.

 

Hide turned on his heels and sprinted out of the room, leaving Kaneki alone, dumbstruck before he realised what the blond was planning. Kaneki hurriedly placed his book on his bed and jumped off of it, running to catch up to the other.

 

"Hide, what are you doing?" the raven implored, staring at his friend, who had already put on his bright, orange sneakers, a grin still plastered across his face.

 

"Since the rain just won't stop, I am going outside!" said the sunshine child as he opened the door and practically danced out of Kaneki's dull apartment, only to run across the building floor in the direction of the closest flight of stairs.

 

Worry and slight annoyance flashed across Kaneki's face and he rushingly grabbed his shoes and tried putting them onto his feet, doing so too feverishly and failing a dozen of times as a result. When he finally succeeded, he ran after the other teen, not even bothering to lock the door.

 

"H-Hide!"

 

When the black haired boy got to the stairs, his friend was already on the street, jumping from puddle to puddle, playing under the cold rain.

 

" _Hide_..!" called Kaneki once again, standing at the top of the stairs. His face and the front of his shirt got quickly wet as the wind lightly blew the raindrops under the roof of the small apartment complex. He was lucky it wasn't as terribly windy as it was before; the wind howling like an enraged ghost throwing the big, bullet-like raindrops almost horizontally. It also wasn't raining as heavily as before, Kaneki noticed. It was as if the cruel nature itself gave in just for the excitedly laughing boy jumping around in the rain.

 

The latter's formerly messy, fluffy and slightly curly hair was now moderately flattened to his head and stuck to his forehead. Hide was soaked to his bones, clothes sticking to his skin. The moccasin T-shirt with the toony smiley cat printed on it was scrunching around his bellybutton, shoulder blades, joints and waist when he moved. Each time he stepped on the ground, his sneakers made funny squishing noises, filled with water. The rain hit against Hide's body, each raindrop following a different path across it. Some hit his cheekbones and quickly flowed down to the curve of his lips and dripped off his chin. Some hit his head, some hit his shoulders and arms or legs.

 

Hide raised his hand and brushed his bangs back, off his forehead, as he looked up at his friend, "Kaneki, you gotta come down here! It's great," laughed the blond.

 

"N-No way!" Kaneki shivered as the cold wind blew, "You shouldn't be outside, Hide! You'll g-get sick."

 

"Pfft, I'll take the risk," replied the wet teen, retreating his hand from his hair.

 

Kaneki shuddered and crossed his arms in an attempt to stay at least a bit warm, "H-Hid-de! P-Please, come back in.." the raven pleaded, his voice a tinge desperate.

 

"Well..." Hide slowly looked to the side and tilted his head, trying not to smile, "If you want me, then come and get me!!" Hide sang out, and beamed, now looking back at Kaneki again.

 

Kaneki lidded his eyes halfway, annoyed at his friend's stubbornness. He stared at the blond, dancing and spinning in the rain, waiting for the raven head's response, anticipation sparkling in his eyes. After the one-sided staring contest continued on for long minutes, a breathy sigh escaped his lips as he shivered once again. The other teen wasn't joking; he wasn't planning on going back inside anytime soon. Kaneki will actually have to go and get him.

 

The black haired boy untangled his hands and gripped onto the margins of the stairs so he wouldn't slip on the wet steps and fall. The rain hit against his thin body, quickly soaking his hair and clothes. He couldn't stop shaking while walking down, it was really, _really_ cold. When he almost got down to the ground, he looked up, only to see Hide watching him, standing in place a few meters away from Kaneki, a smug, victorious grin on his lips.

 

Kaneki stepped onto the ground, careful not to step into a puddle.

 

"Hide, you'll get sick, please come back inside," Kaneki repeated, loud enough to be heard over the rain.

 

Hide only snickered at that, "You will have to catch me first, Kaneki!" he reminded as he turned around and started running, the water of the puddles splashing everywhere as he crashed his feet into them.

 

A distressed Kaneki was left standing by the stairs, debating on whether or not to follow his blond friend. _'But I need to get him back inside...'_

  


Kaneki groaned and hesitantly, at first, but nonetheless ran after the other, trying his best to avoid puddles. But being his clumsy self, he failed miserably at that.

 

Hide looked behind himself to check if Kaneki was following him. When he saw the boy running the best he could to catch up, Hide smiled to himself and slowed down a bit. You see, Kaneki's physical abilities weren't exactly very impressive. Or anyhow impressive at all, to place it bluntly. Hide knew Kaneki couldn't catch up if Hide was running at his normal pace, and that was never in his intentions.

 

Hide was about to take a turn, so they could run around the block and return to Kaneki's apartment complex when he heard the other's panting voice somewhere close behind call his name. So he slowed down his pace and turned around. Kaneki was much, much closer than he first made him out to be.

 

A harsh impact of two bodies made Hide stumble backwards and fall painfully on his butt into a puddle. Kaneki fought hard to stay on his two feet and not to lose balance, panting heavily, face red.

 

For a moment, they stared at each other, catching their breaths.

 

And then quiet, breathy laughter escaped Hide's mouth, quickly turning into loud guffaws.

 

Suddenly realisation of what just happened hit Kaneki and his eyes went wide as he freaked out. Worry written across his face, he stared down at his best friend, "H-Hide, are you alright?!"

 

Stopping his laughter, Hide looked around himself, taking in his position. Looking back up at Kaneki, he replied, "You know, I thought I couldn't possibly get any wetter than I was literally a minute ago but I guess I was wrong," Hide laughed softly.

 

Kaneki loosened up a little at that and smiled, reaching out his hand to help Hide stand up.

 

"I'm really sorry for running into you. I should've been more careful. Sorry."

 

Hide took Kaneki's extended hand and stood up. He looked Kaneki in the eyes and said, "Nah, don't worry, dude. It was totally my fault." Hide flashed him one of his signature grins before adding, "Looks like you caught me."

 

The black haired boy looked at his friend in confusion before remembering why they even started running in the first place. His expression changed from confusion to a huff, "You made me run the entire block!"

 

"Aahh, sorry, 'Neki," smiled the blond as he rubbed his neck, "Shall we go back, then?"

 

Kaneki nodded and both of them turned to walk side-by-side back to his apartment.

 

He was going to ask Hide why he didn't seem bothered by the cold rain and wind at all, when it hit him; Kaneki wasn't cold any more. It was as if simply being in the presence of the sunshine boy warmed him up. It was as if Hide warmed up everything around him.

 

As they walked under the rain, they rambled - Hide, for the most part - about the most random things. They received the weirdest of glances and stares from by-passers, but neither of them seemed to notice at the time.

 

"Oh, hey Kaneki, look! The street lanterns are turning on," mentoined Hide, gesturing at the street lights lined along the sidewalk, now glowing and lightening the street.

 

 _'It must be pretty late now,'_ thought the blond to himself as he gave Kaneki a glance.

 

And that's when he finally had the first good look at his long time friend since they went outside. His black hair was flattened around his head by the rain, the short sleeved, white button-up shirt stuck to his skinny body, soaked in the rain water, hence it became a little more diaphanous, his skin visible through the fabric.

 

Hide gulped, swallowing an uncomfortable lump in this throat.

 

Sudden, cool wind blew causing countless little goosebumps to cover Kaneki's slim arms, shoulders and everything else that wasn't visible to Hide. Two small bulges appeared on Kaneki's chest, hardened by the cold and clearly visible thanks to the wet shirt.

 

Hide had to quickly avert his gaze, heat rushing to his face.  He shakily released the breath he didn't realise he was holding and internally prayed to whatever upper force there could possibly be, that Kaneki didn't notice _him-_ him _**staring**_ **.**

 

The blond scolded himself, _'You're being gross again. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I am being disgusting.'_

 

Bitter guilt settled in his stomach, making him feel sick. How could he so selfishly stare at his best friend like that?

 

_'I'm gross.'_

 

Hide tried his best to focus on the path ahead but the temptation to look again haunted his mind, so he did.

 

As Kaneki was looking at the streetlights, their warm light reflected in those vibrant, irresistible gray eyes. The light fell onto his pale skin, perfectly shadowing his face. The rain hitting his face was distinctly visible as it flowed down the boy's face like tears. There were drops in Kaneki's eyelashes, daring to leak into the boy's eyes if he blinked.

 

Hide wondered if Kaneki would think weirdly of him if he, right now, would hold his face with his hands and softly wipe away the raindrops from his eyelashes with his thumbs. He wondered what Kaneki would think if he looked into his breathtaking eyes and then slowly leaned in, closing the distan----

 

If Hide wasn't blushing before, he definitely was now. He could feel heat rush from his head to the tips of his toes. His chest fluttered as his heart was beating much too fast. Why did it have to be like this?

 

Kaneki shifted his eyes and locked them on Hide - _'Did he feel me staring?'_

 

The blond immediately smiled widely at his friend as if saying "What's the matter?" - he put on a mask and hid his rash inner avalanche under it. Kaneki doesn't have to know.

 

Kaneki smiled back that lovely, endearing ghost of a smile, as if shrugging it off.

 

They continued on walking, their shoes making squishy, slurping noises as they did.

 

Neither of them even bothered not to step into puddles any more, it wasn't going to change much since their feet were already wet and their shoes might as well be unwearable after this night.

 

Hide's gaze shifted to Kaneki quickly, and then to the street ahead. He smiled as a thought occurred in his mind.

 

The blond took a springy step, jumping slightly. Getting ahead of his friend, he turned around and walked backwards. Hide looked at Kaneki with beaming eyes and a cheeky smile. The latter just amusedly raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

 

Instead of explaining himself, the blond simply starts spinning around and jumping, as if - quite unskillfully - imitating a ballet dancer, throwing his hands above his head. The water on his body flew in all directions and the water of puddles splashed around as he twirled.

 

Kaneki stopped dead in his tracks, startled. He stared at his childhood friend... doing... **that**. Kaneki started to giggle - _'Ahh, cute..'_ \- at the actions of the blond, but you could see he was struggling with second hand embarrassment.

 

" _Hide-_!" He whispered sharply, trying to stifle his laughter, "People are _staring_ at you, stop that!"

 

Kaneki looked around, averting his eyes each time they met a judging pair of eyes of a stranger.

 

The dancing blond didn't seem to mind them and what they thought about him, though. He was having a great time and nothing was going to ruin that. Nor the fact that he was soaked wet and it was still raining like mad, nor some weird glances from people he didn't even know.

 

"Kaaaneekiiiii," called Hide, laughing lightheartedly, "come dance with me, Kaneki!"

 

"W-What?" stuttered the raven. There was no way he was going to do something like that in the middle of the street.

 

"I said: come dance with me, Kaneki!" Hide turned to said boy, smiling broadly at him, his cheeks raised and created little wrinkles in the corners of his eyes, his freckles a little bit more noticeable in the orange-ish light of the lanterns.

 

"Come on, Kaneki! It's fun! Dance with me? _Pretty pleeaaassseee?_ " Hide begged, looking at Kaneki with pleading chocolate coloured puppy-eyes.

 

Kaneki uncertainly looked to the side, playing with the hem of his shirt.

 

Suddenly he felt his hands being grabbed and he was being pulled forward rapidly by Hide. Hide had grabbed both of his hands and they were now clumsily turning around in circles way too fast, Kaneki's feet not catching up with the sudden movements.

 

A carefree laughter flowed through Kaneki's ears and his own eyes were met by a pair of warm, friendly orbs of the blond, his irises shining, glittered with glee. His laugh was distinctly contagious and soon the raven head found himself cracking up in giggles.

 

As they stopped strolling and twirling around, Hide freed the other's hands and Kaneki immediately brought one of them up to his face, to cover his laugh.

 

The dark-haired boy couldn't stop laughing, now starting to snort unattractively as he tried to conceal the laughing noises, but Hide still somehow found it very, very charming. He knew Kaneki's laugh was sincere and Kaneki was, indeed, enjoying this a lot.

 

The thought made him feel lighter than the wind and made heat spread throughout his entire body.

 

He felt as though nothing in the world existed right in that moment, except for Kaneki, himself and the rain that fell upon them. The only thing he could think about was the way Kaneki's eyes closed while laughing, the way he seemed to be shining as bright as a full moon, endearingness radiating off him.

 

Hide couldn't help but laugh louder too, the corners of his lips almost stretching up to his ears, as his shoulders raised and fell rapidly from the laughter.

 

Hide gazed at the beautifully adorable boy again, with lovestruck eyes, forgetting the guilt, the worry, the disgust. Nothing mattered, but the laughing dark haired boy right in front of him. He was so gorgeous, the sounds that escaped his lips were absolutely enchanting, his body language literally took Hide's breath away. He was mesmerized by the sight.

 

He could look forever.

 

The blond could swear on his life, right there and then, that these were the happiest moments of his life. Hide was so, so warm and happy. All because of Kaneki, all because he was there with him.

 

Hide bit his lower lip, grinning widely. He felt his stomach twist painfully and his chest felt light and weird but he honestly couldn't care less. Almost electric energy buzzed through Hide's body, exploding from his stomach and spreading to his limbs. It didn't let him keep still, and he nearly jumped on the spot, his hands clenching and unclenching into fists.

 

He wanted to laugh and scream his heart out at the stormy sky.

 

He wanted to squeeze the other boy and kiss him like his life depended on it, he wanted to kiss the corners of his eyes and his mouth, his cheeks and his neck. He wanted to hold his hands and dance under the rain. He wanted it so, so badly. He felt nothing but sheer love and sincere happiness for the boy.

 

His heart was beating a million miles a second when the other's gleaming eyes opened and looked into his and the blond stared back, starry-eyed. The laughter calmed down and a fond silence settled in. He inhaled but the breath got stuck somewhere in his throat. Everything seemed to stop and disappear around them.

 

And then, it all came bashing back, overwhelming happiness and excitement pouring back into the lovestruck teen's body.

 

He couldn't take it any more, he had to do something.

 

Hide stepped forward reaching out his arms, clasping the other boy's body, pushing their chests together. He lifted him up slightly, tightly squeezing him lovingly. Loud laughter emitted from both of them once again, filling the air with merriment.

 

People were probably looking at them. Were there even people out at this hour? What hour even was it? Someone probably heard them. Maybe. Hide didn't know. He didn't really care in the slightest, to be truthful.

 

He did not care and that's why the blond lifted Kaneki up higher in the air, spinning him around. They were laughing uncontrollably and Hide's heart fluttered as the boy in his arms giggled out Hide's name in between fits of laughter.

 

Secretly unwilling to set the other down, the blond still had to. That didn't mean he would let go, though.

 

Releasing the boy from his grasp, Hide grabbed the raven head's hand with his own and dragged him forward again, making the boy gasp at the sudden action.

 

As he saw the blond breaking into a crazy, laughter filled dance, he began giggling and cackling again, bringing his free hand to his face.

 

"Pfffft, H-Hide," he tried stifling the laughter, only to crack up laughing in between his words, "w-what are you, pff, d-doing?"

 

"I... am dancing! Aaaand I think you should definitely join me, if you may?" he asked back, bowing comically in front of Kaneki.

 

The dark haired boy only laughed harder at his friend.

 

"You're a _**huge** dork,_ you know that, right?" Kaneki giggled.

 

Hide beamed at his friend and assured, "Of course I do, you **_small_**  dork."

  


 

* * *

 

 

 

" ** _Achoooo!_** "

 

Hide sneezed, rubbing his now runny nose with the sleeve of the spare sweater he kept at Kaneki's place. He was sitting on the floor in his childhood friend's room once again, wrapped in blankets and surrounded by a clutter of pillows. The blond teen was facing the TV, back leaning against the bed.

 

It seemed to be way past midnight, but could be any time of the day, really, with the hideoust thunder clouds blocking out the sky and the raging storm blasting just outside the window. The weather got much worse since the two boys went inside after the dippy fooling-around in the rain.

 

A sigh came from the room's door, where Kaneki, wearing a warm gray sweater, clearly too big for his slim body, was walking in just in time to hear his best friend sneeze. Kaneki shook his head slightly, a cup of hot, steamy cocoa for Hide and black tea for himself in his hands. The blond on the floor turned his head in the direction of the sigh, throwing the intruder a flashing grin. That only earned him a disappointed look from the black haired boy's behalf.

 

"I told you you'd get sick," Kaneki handed the cup with the cocoa to Hide as he joined his messy haired friend on the floor, blowing on his tea.

 

"Oh come on, Kaneki! I'm only sneezing! And, besides, it was totally worth it. You even ended up going out there with me!! Don't tell me you didn't have fun, Kaneki, you're a terrible liar," the blond mocked holding his cup close to try and steal some of its warmth.

 

Even though he was smiling, in some dark corner of his mind he was anxious. What if Kaneki actually did not enjoy himself? What if it was a facade? What if-

 

Suddenly, the raven head stared at Hide, obviously offended by the statement.

 

"Hide, I---," a sneeze came out of the boy's mouth instead of words, cutting off his sentence, almost making him spill the tea in his hands.

 

A finger came up to rub his nose as he looked away and muttered, "This wasn't a good idea."

 

"Aw, but we had fun! That's the most important thing!" Hide playfully nudged his friend's side.

 

The dark haired boy glanced at his friend in irritation, - really, Hide? What about our _health?_ \- but it soon washed away as he sighed again, smiling weakly, "I guess it was pretty fun."

 

The action and the words made Hide internally sigh in relief and he grinned at his friend, putting his arm around the raven's shoulders, pulling him closer.

 

"But we could've prepared for it, at least! You really rushed into this, I didn't even lock the apartment door because of you," Kaneki complained, pouting at the blond.

 

A small apologetic laugh escaped the blond as he affirmed, "Sorry, sorry! Oh man, that actually sucked. We had to return early because you remembered about it."

 

Huffing, Kaneki swiftly reminded, "Well, we were actually supposed to return after I cought a **_certain someone_** after running for them through the _entire block_. But  _no_ , we stayed until a **_certain someone_ ** got a runny nose and couldn't breathe through it anymore."

 

Hide laughed loudly at the revelation, "Sorry, Kaneki. I'll try to be more considerate from now on, though I can't really promise much."

 

The figure he had his arm around laughed shortly as he looked up at the grinning sunflower.

 

"So, Kaneki! Say, what do you think about...'' the blond teen paused, considering possible options, "...watching a movie or two? Maybe three? Or four! _Hmm?_ " Hide expectantly hummed, ushering his friend to respond.

 

The sudden suggestion made Kaneki blink in thought as he processed it. Wouldn't it be a smarter idea to go to bed? But it's not like he was tired, nor was the energetic boy next to him. They wouldn't go to sleep any time soon any ways, so why not?

 

Before the raven could even nod properly, the bundle of energy proposed, "Movie night, it is!" he removed his arm from the pale teen's shoulders and, struggling to get out of the blankets' wrap,  stood up, set down his mug of cocoa on the nearest drawer and with a springiness in his step, rushed to the door through the field of pillows. The moment the blond was at the door, he called back, "I'll bring snacks! Quick! Think of movies!!"

 

And with that, he was gone, leaving a surprised Kaneki alone for the upteenth time that night.

 

A small half-smile made its way onto the black haired boy's lips and he sighed. He looked around until his eyes set on the shelf he chose to store DVDs on. It was still storming so internet wasn't working at all at the moment - Hide checked once they got back to the apartment, - so looking for movies online wasn't an option. They'd have to choose something from the unconstant collection of DVDs the dark headed teen had. Most of the DVDs were his best friend's, the bright blond often took some of them to his own apartment or replaced the ones that've been of the shelf for too long, or brought more to add to the shelf, and so on. Kaneki himself owned only a few since he wasn't really a movies person; he has always preferred books, after all.

 

Taking out the DVDs one by one, Kaneki looked at the covers and read the annotations, considering each of the movies. Drama, horror, crime, musicals, sci-fi, fantasy... He wondered what kind of movies was Hide in the mood to watch tonight? His childhood friend's movie taste ranged all the way from adventure and epics to romantic comedies and chick flicks. With a low grunt the raven set yet another DVD back on the shelf.

 

Before he knew it, a messy haired blond was right back in the room with a bowl of popcorn, another bowl of chips and several packs of extra chips and quite questionable sweets, pressing the packs of junk against his chest with his arms, a bowl in each hand. He tried not to lose his riches and he struggled to keep them in his grasp.

 

Once Hide was by Kaneki's side, he carefully set the two bowls on the ground in front of his friend and then dropped all of the bags heedlessly. The blond flopped beside the other, onto the blankets he left behind not long ago.

 

"Got anythin', 'Neki?" cheerily asked Hide, looking at the DVDs over the raven's shoulder.

 

Kaneki frowned, "No... no, not really."

 

An arm wrapped around his shoulders the moment those words left his mouth and a reassuringly smiling sunshine looked at him from his side, "No worries! We can choose something together now, totally no need to rush or stress over this." Not waiting for a response, Hide retreated his arm and bent over to get closer to the shelf.

 

He carefully examined the titles of the movies before asking, "Hey, 'Neki, are you feeling mystery-ish or crime-ish today?"

 

Said boy cringed internally at the grammar, but soon shrugged, "I don't really know, Hide. Your choise..?" The statement felt more like a question, because he was sure Hide would insist on watching something the bookworm would enjoy.

 

The blond turned his head so he was facing the other and gave him a long, hard stare, making the boy slightly uncomfortable before warming up and giving his friend the signature brilliant smile, "That means we're watching both," he decided and turned back to the DVDs. "Okay, my suggestion for the night - we start off with some detective movies, then we watch some romantic comedies, because, I mean, who doesn't love them? I love them. And then, to top it all off..." Hide shuffled through the disc boxes on the shelf, quickly searching for something and once his fingers slid across it, he pulled it out with a thriumphant _ah-hah!_ and turned around to show it to the other, "... blood-chilling horror!!"

 

Kaneki's eyes widened at the sight of the title as recognition flashed through him, "Are you sure, Hide? I still can't go across the hallway without the light on since the last time we watched it and I know it's just as bad for you, if not worse."

 

Hide pouted at the revelation, but quickly regained his confidence and enthusiasm, closing his eyes and puffing his chest, "Yes, but that was then, and this is _now_! We've _grown!_ We're more mature and childlish things like this movie can't scare us!"

 

The black haired boy raised a brow, "The last time we watched it was like... two months ago?"

 

"Yes, exactly! Thank you for supporting my point," a playful grin creeped on the blond's face and he cracked an eye open to see his not yet entirely convinced friend. "Besides, we're together. Nothing can happen while we're not alone and can just switch the movies, that's a universal rule."

 

The raven gave in and let a smile slip on his lips and the blond relaxed and grinned at his friend, picking out the movies and scooting back to his place on the blankets, setting the DVDs on the bed. Taking the top box from the pile and holding it up for his friend to see, Hide asked, "How about we start with this one? I know you like it."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Hide tiredly rubbed at his eye, yawning. This was only the second movie and he already got bored, which was quite… unusual for him.

 

Normally, he would be completely invested in whatever movie he was watching; pointing out flaws, laughing and crying at terrible acting and dramas, as well as trying to figure out the kinks and mysteries before any character in the movie. Commenting and striking up a conversation whenever he got the chance. That’s just the kind of person Hide is.

 

But tonight, for some unknown reason, he just couldn’t focus. At all.

 

Hide glanced back at screen, squinting as his eyes adjusted to its brightness. The detective guy was currently searching the apartment of a murder victim with his partner. Little did the Mr. Super-Detective know, his partner is actually the killer. Hide has long ago figured it out. This was just too easy.

 

The blond inaudibly exhaled and moved his eyes to the side, stopping on the nearly empty, now ice cold mug of cocoa. Never finished, instead left alone and forgotten on the drawer. Kind of depressing, if you ask him. He lowered his gaze onto the snacks illuminated by the light from the TV and grabbed some popcorn, tossing it into his mouth. Instead of all of it getting where it was supposed to, some missed their destination and hit his face, falling onto the blankets and getting stuck on the folds of his clothes.

 

The usually cheery teen was ready to sigh, but a chuckle next to him stopped him. He surprisedly looked in the direction of the small laugh. He had almost forgotten the other was here for a moment.

 

“Be more careful, Hide. I’m not cleaning all of it up by myself,” the blond was met with the silver eyes of the chuckler. The light from the TV danced in the beauty’s irises, sparkling and dangling as the scenes changed. The boy’s eyes were so, so beautiful. Suddenly, Hide felt more awake than ever. Heat filled his stomach and rushed to his face. His heart skipped a beat. He swore he must have been gaping.

 

The second felt like an hour of mesmerizing, addicting stillness to him, and he broke in a short, brief laugh. “It’s not my fault! The popcorn’s acting up!” snickered the blond.

 

“Just pick up the popcorn, dork,” the raven spoke through the small smile lingering on his lips and turned his head back to the TV, bringing his attention to the scene currently displayed.

 

Hide grinned and did as told, then tossed the popcorn into his mouth, which earned him a scold from Kaneki which was returned with Hide’s grin and him waving it off.

 

The dirty-blond haired boy rested his back against the bed again. He threw his head back and looked at the ceiling, staring at it in thought. Finding nothing interesting there, he closed his eyes and turned his head to the side. Opening his eyes, he saw the detective talking to an old lady; eyewitness, probably.

 

Sneezing, he shifted his legs under the blankets. He wondered if Kaneki even noticed the change in his behaviour.

 

The mentoin of the boy made Hide shift his eyes to glance at the boy sitting nearby, quietly chumping on potato chips. The sight of the boy brought a small, sincere smile on the blond’s lips. The TV screen’s bright shine danced across the boy’s petite features, defining them with sharp shadows. The light seeped into his silky, ebony hair, making it seem even more touchable than it normally looked. It was practically begging Hide to run his fingers through it and brush the light from the TV out of it.

 

Hide felt heat slowly flowing through his body and his heart starting to speed up. He wanted to get closer. It wasn’t an unusual thing for him to touch Kaneki. He often put his arm around the other’s shoulders, hugged him at random, dragged him by hand. Why was now any different? His stomach twisted.

 

The too-big collar of the oversized sweater partially revealed the boy’s collarbones. A thick lump formed in the blond’s throat. His lips felt dry. He urged to reach out and touch the other, the so beautiful other. Hide unconsciously scooted just a tad, small bit closer. He breathed in. The smell of books, clean sheets, rain and chips filled his nostrils and hazed his head. He wanted to get closer.

 

He was about to bring his hand to the gorgeous boy’s face, but stiffened.

 

 _‘What am I doing?’_ a wave of disgust crossed his mind and acid burned the shy butterflies in his chest, _‘Just think about what he would think, what he would **do** if I did it! What’s with me..?!’_

A sense of hopelessness replaced the heat in his body and he stared down at the floor, knitted his eyebrows, frowning, _‘Just… Just why am I doing it..?’_

 

An overwhelming desire to go away and get lost forever in an empty alleyway crammed into his body, but the urge to stay with the scrawny, fragile angel was much more powerful. Hide wasn’t sure which was better or more logical.

 

 _‘Well… I suppose it… wouldn’t hurt to stay. It’s not like Kaneki’s complaining, right? He probably hasn’t noticed anything,’_ he sucked in a quiet breath. _‘It’s okay.’_

 

He doubted it, he strongly doubted it. But he wanted to believe it. He wanted to, he really did.

 

Forcing his eyes back on the other, he breathed out, trying his best not to think badly and just enjoy the moment, the moment when he could just watch the other boy, the kind of moment he treasured the most.

 

He could do it back then, in the rain. And all those times before. Right now wasn’t an exception.

 

Looking at those charming, glittering grey irises and dark endearing eyelashes he _almost_ forgot his worries.

 

Hide’s gaze followed the outline of the raven’s cheek, lingering at his lips. He wanted to get closer.

 

The blond just couldn’t believe how someone as perfect as Kaneki could be in the same room as him, sitting this close next to him. He had no idea why someone as good as Kaneki would ever call him his best friend. He was clueless as to why Kaneki would stay with him. He did not deserve him. He had no right to be in love with the timid, black haired introvert.

 

_‘Stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking.’_

 

A bloom of heat curled in his stomach, making it twist and turn. He wanted to get closer.

 

Should he really be here? Was he really doing the right things as Kaneki’s best friend? Was this really right? Could he hold it all in much longer? Or would he end up ruining everything?

 

_‘Stop stop stop.’_

 

Hide’s eyes moved to the raven’s neck. He wanted to get closer.

 

Of course he could hold it in. He had been doing this for years. He’s in control, he has been doing a great job at concealing it, he’s not letting anything slip now, or ever.

 

_‘Don’t think.’_

 

Hide’s eyes stilled on the crook of the other’s neck, then slid to admire the collarbones, shyly peeking from under the gray fabric of the sweater. He wanted to get closer.

 

Even if he didn’t deserve to, nor had any right to, nor would ever let the other know, Hide loved him. He loved him so much it hurt. It made his head spin and his stomach make triple backflips, sending electric buzzes up his limbs and making butterflies flutter through his insides, his heart threatening to break out of his ribcage. He honestly couldn’t tell if it suddenly got hot or if it was just the calming, warm heat that filled his already lovestruck body with adoration for the boy.

 

_‘I can’t.’_

 

Hide clenched his hand into a fist and breathed in. There it was again, the smell that made him feel so safe, so _normal_.

 

He loved him. He wanted to get closer.

 

_He wanted to get closer._

 

_‘I love you.’_

The smell of books, coffee and Kaneki’s favourite shampoo filled him and that weird warmth clouded his head once again. Suddenly, he couldn’t hear the TV anymore, the banging of the rain felt distant and the discomfort of the bed frame vanished, irrelevant to him now. He felt like he was nowhere and everywhere at once. The only thing he was aware of was the presence of the other boy. It was as if the entire universe rotated around the raven.

 

Hide felt light. So, _so_ light, so _weightless,_ carried by the restless butterflies inside of him. The lump in his throat was gone and he wanted to laugh. The sight of the boy was gorgeous.

 

He could look forever.

 

He thought so quite often, Hide noted. It really did feel like they were back dancing in the storm again.

 

The fragile body of the other felt  _so very_ appealing. Hide wanted to kiss him. He refused to believe he would ever get tired of this.

 

He felt so calm. He let his eyes slip closed, a smile appearing without the blond’s consent. He couldn’t hear anything. Just his own heart, thumping in his chest. His face was on fire. He felt warm. The kicking in his stomach urged him to embrace the boy, to **_get closer._**

 

“..Hide? Hide, wake up.”

 

A hand lightly pushed his shoulder. Hide stiffened. _‘What?’_

 

Hide opened one of his eyes, the other refused to, it was pressed against something. The black haired boy was much closer than he last remembered.

 

When had he got this close?

 

Boiling heat shot through his body and Hide stumbled back into full awareness of his surroundings. Half of his face was pressed against the crook of the other’s neck, the blond’s chest pressed against the raven’s arm.

 

_‘Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god?? When..?! How..??!’_

“Hide? Come on, you’re heavy.”

 

_‘Crap. Don’t jerk, **don’t jerk**. Keep calm, it was an accident!’_

 

“Yo,” the blond grunted, trying to conceal his inner freak-out by sounding as sleepy as possible, “what’s up?”

 

The raven shuffled a bit, “You’re killing my shoulder,” he said, “also the movie ended.”

 

The panicked blond found the perfect opportunity to get away, lifting up his head and slipping away from the other boy. “Oh, what? Already?” he asked, seemingly surprised.

 

“Yeah. The detective’s partner turned out to be the antagonist,” Kaneki said, looking at Hide.

 

Hide struggled to keep his breathing calm, “Huh. Who would’ve thought?” he laughed, scratching his cheek.

 

Thunder growled and rain hit the glass of the window. The bowls and opened packs shone dimly as the credits rolled. Tissues lay on the floor nearby.

 

The black haired teen’s face shone.

 

The blond haired teen’s insides clenched. His hands shook. His breath hitched.

 

“Yeah. I thought he was acting kinda suspiciously, but wasn’t expecting him to actually be behind all those murders.” He smiled at the blond in concern, “Are you tired? We can go to sleep, if you want.”

 

_‘Cute.’_

“Me? _Tired?_ Never! Not until we finish all of these babies,” Hide exclaimed, gesturing to the now smaller pile of DVDs on the bed, “I won’t sleep until we’re done.”

 

“Really?” Kaneki didn’t look convinced, “You seemed pretty tired.”

 

“Do you want to bet? Bring it on, ‘Neki!”

 

Kaneki snorted, “I bet you’ll pass out soon enough. Didn’t you pull an all nighter last night? You called me at 6 in the morning to tell me about how you finally beat that one level in, what was it? Mario Kart?”

 

Hide gasped, bringing his hands to his chest, “Was that an insult?” The action made the raven head laugh and giggle, bringing a hand to his face.

 

“Maybe it was.”

 

Grabbing a DVD box from the bed, Hide extracted the current disc from the TV, “Oh, it’s _so_ on!” he declared, sliding in the new disc into the opening. “Prepare to lose, my friend!”

 

As he heard a beautiful, endearing laugh, he glanced at Kaneki, whom was now fully turned to the screen, and smiled widely.

 

Hideyoshi thanked the universe for his amazing acting skills, whereas his heart was still beating so hard against his chest and his hands shook in such panic he wasn’t sure how the other hasn’t noticed anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has read through this whole thing, then I want you to know that you have made me a very happy child and I want to give you a big hug (if you're okay with that, of course).  
> OKAY BUT SERIOUSLY THANK YOU. THIS IS MY FIRST FIC, I'M SORRY IF IT SUCKS. IT'S GONNA BE PRETTY LONG. HELP.  
> Please excuse my shameless self promotion as I leave this link here:  
> My Tumblr: [chocolienits](https://chocolienits.tumblr.com) !! Come and say hi!


	2. While you're unawarely aware.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe, playing outside while it's storming buckets wasn't one of Hide's brightest ideas after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello! I know it's been _nearly 2 months_ and I'm so, so, so sorry!! I'm generally quite slow when it comes to writing and I've also been busy making [this thing](http://chocolienits.tumblr.com/post/135606227130/blame-youre-really-hot-so-i-for-introducing-this)
> 
> I think that from now on the chapters will most likely come out once a month. It sounds like a long time, but if I want to make this good, the time is neccessary. I'm so sorry!!!!!!!
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Sun shone among the few calming clouds in the light blue sky. Rays of sunshine fell onto and illuminated off of windows, cars and lamp posts while puddles of all sizes possible and imaginable scattered around the ground. Drops of rainwater occasionally dripped from roofs and trees, and other objects left uncovered under the formerly raging, stormy clouds, glimmering in the sun. The asphalt seemed to melt under the feet of ever-rushing crowds of people as they crossed streets and strode down the sidewalks of Tokyo.

 

Slow breaths escaped a figure with a nearly golden, bright mess of hair. His eyes closed and his back pressed against the bed, he lingered in deep, unaware slumber on the floor. Blankets and pillows at his feet, nearly-finished bowls of food and empty packs of unhealthy junk littered about the room. The previously gloomy and somewhat cold room now seemed warm and cozy, thanks to the bright sunlight breaking into the room through the half-closed curtains.

 

The sunlight laid down on the bedsheets and danced on the walls and in the blond’s hair, hitting his face. The tiny specks of dust that happened to wander into the rays’ grasp, made themselves obvious, and the blinking _REPLAY ►_ on the TV screen was barely visible due to the sun shining straight at it.

 

Almost unnoticeably, the teen’s fingers twitched and he took a louder breath. The sunlight has hit his eye directly, causing an emergency awakening.

 

_‘Wow, rude.’_

 

Just because he was now, quite rudely, awakened, did not mean he was going to get up. Or open his eyes. Or give the sun the satisfaction of showing his defeat.

 

He kept his eyes closed and brought his left hand up to cover his eye with it, seeing as his other arm was, apparently, unable to move. He supposed it was because of how sore his entire body felt. _‘Note for the future: Do not sleep like this ever again.’_ The tired teen proceeded to shift slightly, trying to help his aching body and stretch his back. Learning he was unable to do even that, he realised something was wrong.

 

And that’s when the recently awakened blond noticed the strange weight on his right shoulder. He spent a good few seconds trying to figure out what it could possibly be, but gave up, as he couldn’t even put his finger on where he was at the moment.

 

Slowly, the blond cracked his eyes open, revealing two warm, chocolate brown irises with a glint of gold in them. Thankfully, the sun had hidden behind one of the occasional clouds, much to the teen’s pleasure. Struggling to keep his eyes open, the sleepyhead rubbed at them with his hand, before beginning to check out his surroundings.

 

Fighting back a yawn, he looked up in front of him. _‘Ah. Kaneki’s room,’_ he immediately recognised, lazily running his eyes across the pillows and junk on the floor. His eyes stopped on the opened, empty DVD box on the floor and the writing on the TV screen, pondering why all of this was there in the first place. That brought up a completely different, new question in Hide’s head: _‘Where’s Kaneki?’_

 

Chocolate coloured eyes slid their tired gaze across the lit up room, only to set onto whatever was weighing down the teen’s shoulder. In order to look at it properly, he had to press his cheek against it. What was pushing down his shoulder had nice, silky black hair, Hide noted. Sluggishly trailing his focus further down the thing \-  _person?_ \- resting on him, he perceived they were wearing a large grey sweater, and their arms were wrapped around their middle. He saw their chest rising and falling as they took faint breaths.

 

Hide stopped observing for a moment, considering what he was seeing. He’s in Kaneki’s apartment. The owner himself was nowhere to be seen. There’s somethi-- _one_ in a gray sweater, with a slender body and bl--------

 

Like a lightning bolt, heat shot through his entire body, all the way from the tips of his toes to the ends of his curly hair. Brown eyes flew wide open, now suddenly fully aware and conscious.

 

_‘OH MY GOD.’_

 

Alarmed thoughts rushed through Hide’s head while panic loomed in his eyes and sunk in his guts. He stared wide-eyed at his best friend, sound asleep on his shoulder, completely unaware of their current situation. The blond’s breathing fastened rapidly and the tense breaths hitched in his throat as he distressingly tried to grasp memories of last night.

 

Slowly, last night’s events gloomed their way into Hide’s head. ‘ _It was raining… We ended up going outside… And after that we had a movie night._ ’

 

The teen furrowed his brows and gave the room a second glance, before gulping as quietly as he could muster. That did not explain how Kaneki ended up like _this._

 

Rummaging through the memories, an unexplainable feeling joined the panic in his gut. He could feel sweat rolling down his neck. Recalling things was much too hard in stressful situations.

 

 _‘That’s right,’_ his hands began shaking slightly at the memory, _‘I fell asleep on him... for- for a moment,’_ he clenched his left hand and made the first attempts at steadying his sharp breaths, _‘and I said I’d finish all movies. We… made a bet?’_

 

Blood pounded in Hide’s ears parallelly to his heart clobbering in his chest. He told Kaneki he wouldn’t fall asleep no matter what until he watched all of the movies he chose. The blond remembered watching one of his favourite romantic comedies and cracking jokes about salad. He also remembered nearly crying at an unnecessary drama. He knew that after that they started watching some old American movie he hadn’t seen before.

 

He couldn’t remember falling asleep, though, nor could he recall seeing how the movie ended. He couldn’t even remember how or when Kaneki nodded off himself.

 

A wave of heat twice as hot as the first one washed over him. _‘I must’ve fallen asleep.’_

 

Hide cursed mentally at his inability to stay awake. So _embarrassing_ . This situation is at least partly his fault. He shouldn’t stay with _Kaneki_ like this. It’s not right.

 

He tried swallowing a dready lump in his throat and scolded himself for doing that far too loudly. _‘Calm down.’_

 

He needed to get away, and he needed to do so as soon as he could.

 

Mentally preparing himself, he sucked in a shaky breath. Attempting to gently push his childhood friend up from his shoulder, he moved said boy’s head lightly. The action only resulted in Kaneki rising his hand to brush his nose and sighing, forcing Hide to stop moving immediately. He didn’t need the other waking up right now.

 

_‘This really isn’t helping.’_

 

As the dark haired boy slowly retreated his hand back to wrap it around his middle again, Hide closed his eyes shut. Once he inaudibly breathed in, the air didn’t come out. Wishing his heart and brain would just stop freaking out for a few seconds so he could at least form one comprehend thought, the blond opened his chocolate coloured eyes once more.

 

Holding back his breath in his lungs, the messy haired teenager eyed the ebony person weighing down his shoulder. A chaotic bundle of emotion began coiling in the pit of his stomach and he had to struggle with his natural instincts to move. He stayed still the best he could. His head felt heavy with the sound of his blood pumping in his ears and the alarmed hysteria coating his thoughts. It’s weird how such a cheery and ever-shining boy could be like this when no one saw. Sort of... ironic.

 

Or, at least, that’s what Hide would think if he wasn’t in this situation right now.

 

Feeling his lungs start to burn for air, he was thoroughly collecting and piling up all the courage he could have in his current state. In the momentum of storing enough of it, Hide quickly brought up his tremulous hands to the other, lightly pushing the raven’s shoulder with one and carefully raising Kaneki’s head with his other hand. Once his best friend wasn’t touching him anymore, Hide quickly scooted away, still holding his breath. As soon as the blond was far enough, he removed his hand from the other’s shoulder and proceeded to set his head to rest on the bed, instead of his shoulder.

 

The second Hide was safely and successfully replaced, he stood up without as much as a thought. He turned and swiftly maneuvered through and around the pillows and things scattered everywhere on the floor as soundlessly as he could manage, bare feet touching the sunlit ground for a few short moments.

 

Entirely stopping in his tracks, Hide stood by the door. Waiting in the silence of his best friend’s room for a moment, he watched the wall, unsure of what to expect now. Nothing. Only occasional birds chirping outside.

 

Good.

 

Finally allowing himself to breathe, he sucks in a slow, careful breath. His lungs screamed for more, ached for him to gasp in the air instead of these pathetic, quiet inhales. He couldn’t have that.

 

His heart pounded and pounded, unable to calm down just yet. As he struggled to soothe himself, his body trembled, his palms sweaty. Clenching his eyes shut, he counted to an unknown number. _‘Calm down.’_

 

Hesitantly opening his eyes, he turned his head towards his, thankfully, still sleeping friend. Hide took steady breaths and his thoughts slowed down.

 

Kaneki seemed so peaceful, so _unaware_ , asleep by the bed. The sunlight shone onto his shoulders and hair, shadows gently casting over his face. It’s nice - _really_ nice - to look at.

 

An annoying scratch in Hide’s throat threw his train of thought off its tracks. He felt he was about to cough. _‘No.’_ The blond proceeded to ignore the scrabbly feeling, shaking his head lightly. Oh, what a mistake it was. In his attempts to ignore it, hoping it would just go away, his throat became even more irritated. _‘No, no, no, why now?!’_

 

Internally groaning in frustration, the panic briefly drawing in again, he stopped breathing once more. Maybe this’ll help.

 

Yeah. As if.

 

Hide felt his lungs start to burn for air and shadows blacking out his vision, he mentally cursed his immune system. His chest jerked as his body fought to fulfill the urge. A loud, harsh noise raced through the air.

 

Rustling of sheets and clothes, and a soft, quiet groan nearby made the blond’s heart skip a beat and he gulped, panic flooding his mind once again.

 

 _‘Idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot idi_ **_ot idiot_ ** _\--!’_

 

The blond would slap himself if it wasn’t for the silver eyes of the other boy slowly cracking open. He heard the raven inhale, as if yawning softly, a hand coming up to rub at one of his eyes as he turned his head in the direction of Hide. Sunlight lit up his eyes the moment it hit the gray irises, causing them to appear very clear, almost transparent, even.

 

Kaneki watched the bright teen drowsily with eyes still plastered with sleep, his mouth forming a small ‘o’ shape.

 

Hide felt his breath hitch in his sore throat and the sweater seemed far too hot under the raven’s stare.

 

“...Hide?” he blinked a few times, “What.. are you doing there?”

 

Said teen perked up immediately at the call of his name, but concealed and smoothed it out with a forced laugh. He prayed his voice wouldn’t break. “Mornin’!”

 

‘ _Good enough.’_

 

A hand went back up to rub at the raven’s eye once again, the boy nodding vaguely, not noticing the lack of an answer to his question, or perhaps, not bothering to pry for it any more, before sending a tired ghost of a smile to his friend. “Good morning to you, too, Hide.”

 

Returning the favour, Hide gave Kaneki a grin. He felt his body start to sweat much too severely than it should. _‘Oh no stop being so cute, that is literally the last thing I would need to calm down right now, what have I done to ever deserve such fate why is this happening to m--’_

 

A certain black haired boy’s gaze on the blond growing more focused and slightly intense, his thoughts blurred out in his mind.

 

“Are you... alright? ...Your face is very red.”

 

Multiple curses went through Hide’s head. Excuse, he needed an excuse. Just one. Anything.

 

Taking in a breath to possibly blurt out a nonsensical explanation, he was cut short when Kaneki suddenly spoke up, “Hide, are you sick?”

 

 

Said blond’s friend now looked as awake as ever, curiosity and uncertainty across his face, eyebrows knitted upwards and eyes somewhat squinted, studying his best friend carefully.

 

Upon seeing Kaneki begin to stand up, Hide panicked. “Heeey, what’s for breakfast?! Do you want something?? I’m _starving!_ ” Hide exclaims and claps his hands together. Turning around, he makes a run for the kitchen.

 

Once there, he sets his hands on the counter, slowly realising what he’d done. He had just run off, ignoring his friend’s question. Without any reason. _‘_ **_Idiot._ ** _’_

 

 _That_ was weird enough to make _even Kaneki_ suspicious.

 

‘ _Good job. Amazing. Bravo. 11/10.’_

 

Hide heard careful, quiet footsteps draw closer to him from behind. Putting on a big grin, he turned around to meet his friend’s eyes. He looked puzzled. _‘Crap.’_

 

Thankfully, Kaneki didn’t linger on Hide for long, instead setting eyes on the electronic clock above the oven.

 

“It’s 1:40 PM?!”

 

Taken aback, the blond looked down to his left. Oh. 1:40 PM, indeed.

 

With an amused smile, he turned back to his friend and laughed, “Did you really have anything planned for today? Are you late to some kind of secret book nerd meeting?” he paused, taking in his friend’s still freaked out expression.

 

_‘Try harder, idiot.’_

 

“Or did you plan us a date? Hmm, Kaneki. You’re so romantic.” Hide wiggled his eyebrows, “Don’t you think that’s a bit unexpected, though? You didn’t even confess yet.”

 

_‘Too much too much too much too much--’_

 

Blood rushed to Kaneki’s face, painting his cheeks, ears and neck red. “Hide, oh my _god_.”

 

“Oh, you did?” he snickered.

 

_‘You’re just making this morning worse, you piece of-’_

 

Muffling a laugh, Kaneki hid his face in his hands. “Hide, **_no_ **.”

 

“Hide, **_yes_ **.”

 

Seeming to calm down, the raven lowered his hands and looked at his friend with his amused _No way, Hide, what the heck_ face. “You don’t seem that hungry now that you’re saying things like that.”

 

He instantly got an _amazing_ idea for a corny joke, a _one-time chance_ , but instead silenced and dismissed it. _‘Already too obvious.’_

 

He turned to the closest cupboard and yanked it open, beginning to search for edible stuffs.

 

Empty containers, some seasoning, oh, bread? Oh, no, only the butt of the loaf is left. No one eats that. _‘Hmm.’_ Closing the cupboard, he began to hunt through the fridge. Nothing appealing there, either.

 

“Jeez, Kaneki, what’s up with this place? Where are all the goodies?”

 

Facing his friend, the anxiety and embarrassment crept back. _‘Calm. Down.’_

 

Kaneki, who was now setting the kettle up to make a morning drink for both him and Hide, hummed in response. “I was going to do grocery shopping yesterday, but...” he looked up at the blond, making brief motions with his hand in the air.

 

Making an understanding _oohhh,_ Hide, hopefully not too noticeably, averted his gaze and proceeded to search the kitchen more thoroughly.

 

“Do you want tea or coffee, Hide?” after a moment Kaneki pondered.

 

Considering it for a moment, he shrugged, “I’ll pass.”

 

Another hum later, Kaneki poured the water into a cup with instant coffee.

 

Hide didn’t like the silence that followed. It didn’t settle with him. It was unfamiliar. And so, he spoke up.

 

“Big Girl for breakfast?” he suggested, smiling.

 

Taking a sip of his drink, Kaneki smiled back. “Sounds good.”

 

 

  
  - - - - - - - - - 

             

  
 

The two childhood friends walked down the sidewalk, in the shadow created by the shield of trees between the road and where they were making their way. Quite a few viciously bright rays of sunshine broke through the tree’s leaves, though. The proof for that being the pecks of light littered in random places in the shadow of the trees.

 

The blond shamelessly laughed and ranted, drawing the stares of strangers, while the other just made stealthy smiles and giggles.

 

It was sunny and hot, which would be nice, if it didn’t feel like you’re starting to melt the exact moment you step into the sun. Even Hide, who, mind you, loved warmth and was generally very fond of hot summer days, felt like dying right there and then if it meant sweating and brawling not to dehydrate. That’s just lame.

 

Thankfully, they were in the shadows and were nearing Big Girl.

 

Entering the fast food restaurant, they both simultaneously let out audible sighs of relief.

 

“Air conditioning! I never realised how grateful I am for it existing. I would marry an A/C if I could.” putting his hands on his hips, Hide declares to Kaneki, who just gives him another one of those looks.

 

“Let’s go order, dork.”

 

Moving through the aisles to the cashier, Hide thought of something, “Yo, ‘Neki! Do you want me to order for you, too, or…?”

 

Hide knew his friend very well, and he knows his friend has… problems. One of those problems is not being able to talk to strangers sometimes. But let’s not get into that.

 

Coming from Kaneki’s face, he was startled, not expecting the question from Hide. Slowly, he reached for his chin and smiled. “No, I-I’m good.”

 

 _‘You’re a terrible liar, Kaneki,’_ the blond thought.

 

Plopping a hand down on the raven’s shoulder, Hide gave him a determined beam. “What burger do you want? Maybe you want two? Come on, I’ll buy stuff for you.”

 

A rushed _No, no, it’s fine, Hide, you don’t have to!_ escaped the dark haired teen’s lips, as he waved his hands in front of him. “I can handle something like this, it’s nothing big. You don’t have to do that for me.” there goes the chin touching. Really, Kaneki.

 

Looking into Kaneki’s eyes with an _Are you sure, are you really sure, are you 120% sure, Kaneki, really?_ look, the teen suddenly felt heat rise in his stomach, threatening to release butterflies. Looking straight into those beautiful, soft silver ghost eyes was extremely difficult at times.

 

Quickly stepping back, Hide shook his head lightly. “Be your way.”

 

_‘Maybe Kaneki’s worry won’t be as bad this time.’_

 

At the counter, once Hide finished ordering his hamburger and soda with double fries, knowing well that Kaneki will want some of his, too, he glanced back to look at the raven who was waiting in line right behind him. What he saw were trembling hands and an attempt to hide the state. _‘Okay, nope, no. Nopity nope. Do not.’_

 

“Ah, excuse me, miss! Could you, please, get me another hamburger and an, er, small iced tea?” he called to their cashier. She turned to him and gave a polite smile, “Sure. In a second.”

 

“W-what are you doing?” Kaneki whispered to his friend.

 

“Well, what does it look like?” he turned his head to meet Kaneki’s eyes, “I’m ordering for you!”

 

“Your order’s ready,” the cashier came back with the ordered food and let Hide know the amount he has to pay. 

 

Paying and taking the food tray, they trailed down the aisle to their chosen table. It was, fortunately, not a busy day, so they had a lot of places to choose from. Setting the tray down on the table farthest from the deadly rays of the sun, Hide nearly crashed into the chair, closing his eyes. _‘Finally.’_

 

He cracked one of his eyes back open, setting to look at Kaneki, who eventually caught up and was now in the process of sitting down.

 

Sat in the chair, Kaneki stared at his hands in his lap. Drowning out the sound of the people around them, he murmured, “You didn’t have to do that…”

 

Listening carefully, Hide slowly fixed his position, looking at Kaneki with both eyes. “Kaneki…”

 

Guilt filled Kaneki’s gut like sticky goo. His mind got heavier with fear. Thoughts ate at his brain.

 

Couldn’t he just accept Hide’s kindness? Why was he like this? If he _really_ feels so bad, he could just _pay back_ , not complain like a _child_.

 

He whispered an apology, “Sorry.”

 

Nothing. Hide didn’t answer.

 

_Oh no._

 

Had he said the wrong thing? Was Hide angry with him? Hide is angry. He definitely is, he is, he is.

 

What if he forced Hide to buy the food for him? What if he’s sick of Kaneki?

 

 _‘I messed up, I messed up, I_ **_messed up_ ** _-’_

 

“Kaneki, look at me.”

 

Trying his hardest to swallow some of the dread, he looked up at his friend hesitantly. What he saw were two warm, worried eyes and a smile. “It’s fine, Kaneki. You have nothing to apologise for, so, please, don’t. I bought that because I _wanted to_. Honest.”

 

Seeing the smile, the reassurance that, _yes, it’s okay, it’s fine_ , he felt slightly more at ease. Hide never failed to do just that. He felt he needed to smile back.

 

“...Thank you.”

 

Reaching over the table, the blond ruffled his friend’s black hair, chuckling softly. Kaneki ushered him away, protesting against Hide messing with his hair, though a laugh bubbled in him, too.

 

Hide grinned and bit back a laugh. “So,” he prompted, “Let’s dig in?”

 

Receiving a nod from his introverted friend, the blond dove for his burger, unfolding it from the paper wrap messily. Shortly after, Kaneki joined him. The seconds of silence ended in the moment Hide succeeded in placing a big bite of his meal in his mouth, deciding it was the perfect time to tell his best friend a knock knock joke.

 

“Kwnowck, kwnowck!” he chirped the best he could with his mouth full.

 

“Hide, don’t speak with your mouth full,” Kaneki answered instead, taking a bite out of his own burger.

 

“Aww, Hanehiii,” insisted the blond, the food nearly falling out, “fon’t be like ghat!”

 

Looking like he’d much rather flick Hide’s forehead, Kaneki gave in nonetheless. “Who’s there?”

 

With struggle chewing and swallowing a part of the food in his mouth, he continued, “Doctor!”

 

If the blond didn’t look excited before, he nearly resembled a peppy child now. Kaneki hesitated. “...Doctor.. who?”

 

Hide’s eyes glistened, he almost seemed to bounce in his chair. Anticipation beamed on his face as if he was expecting something great to happen. The raven just looked at him in slight confusion. The anxiousness from before slowly returning to his stomach, he dwelled, _‘Did I do something wrong?’_

 

Across the table, Hide snickered, having already swallowed the food. “Doctor Who!”

 

Kaneki was still confused, it now clearly showing in his body language and face. “I don’t think I understand the joke..?”

 

The mischief in Hide’s face faded, as he looked the other straight in the eyes. “You _can’t_ be serious right now.”

 

Scratching his cheek, Kaneki claimed, “No, I’m… actually serious. I have no idea what yo--”

 

Raising his arms and stretching them all the way across the table yet again, the sunshiney teen planted his hands firmly on the other’s shoulders, “Kaneki, you’re unbelieveable! I can’t believe you haven’t heard of Doctor Who!”

 

Before he could respond, Hide continued with a sigh and smile, “Well, I guess I will have to introduce you to the wonders of Western pop culture some time.”

 

Then Hide acknowledged the guilty look his friend gave off. _Oh, crap._

 

Hide’s features quickly softened as he made sure Kaneki saw. He gave the shoulders a light squeeze. Sure, he’d much rather give his childhood friend one of his breath-taking, bone-crushing hugs, but they were in public and sitting at a table across from each other, for crying out loud. “Kaaaaaaaaaneekiiii! I’m sorryyyyyyyyy!!” Puffing his cheeks and knitting his eyebrows together, he pleaded. “Forgive me, Kaneki! Please!”

 

The skinny boy breathily chuckled, the guilt present in his voice, “Hide, you’re embarrassing us.”

 

Grinning and withdrawing from the boy’s personal space, Hide snickered, hoping it would somehow ease his friend. It seemed to work just the way he wished, so he relaxed a bit mentally. Hide began to form small talk with Kaneki, at first just the former _actually_ talking, but soon the latter joined in and participated, if not just as much as the blond, then just a little bit less.

 

Minutes and minutes passed and Kaneki died down. Knowing better than to worry, since that’s not something unusual when your conversation mate is someone as timid as Kaneki, Hide rambled on.

 

But, when taking yet another French fry and unceremoniously stuffing it into his mouth, he realised the other’s attention was not at all on him. Kaneki was looking just a little to the left over Hide’s shoulder, moving and, apparently, following whatever was _so_ fascinating to ignore his best friend, with his eyes.

 

“Hey, _Ka-ne-ki!_ ” he piped, drawing out the syllables in his friend’s name. “Are you listening?”

 

Slightly jerking, Kaneki gaped at Hide with a startled expression. Hide already knew the answer to his question. “What are you spacing out for?”

 

A light blush quickly spread across the ebony haired boy’s pale cheeks, and his eyes momentarily darted back to his previous item of focus. Catching the action, Hide followed the path of his friend’s gaze, turning to look behind him. An employee; a young lady, assumably around his and Kaneki’s age, maybe a college student. Her brown hair was tied in a messy but endearing bun. The fringe of her hair, which went down to her eyebrows, and a few loose locks on both sides of her head enclosed her youthful face, giving a very cute tinge to the girl’s appearance. Her figure was rather lean, her skin light, but not quite pale. She was very pretty.

 

_‘Oh.’_

 

Something in Hide dawned at his chest, making it tighten.

 

With a grin turning back to his friend, he quirked up his eyebrows, “Is there something you wanna tell me? Eh, ‘Neki?”

 

The blush on Kaneki’s perfect porcelain skin spread and burned a darker red and he averted his eyes. Hide’s stomach scrunched up. He couldn’t bare this. _That girl had made him like this._

 

It hurt him. Why could that random girl make him like that? How could she? Hide felt his heart hurt. That girl’s probably perfect for Kaneki. She looks timid, just like his friend. She is also very, very attractive. Of course Kaneki likes her. Why wouldn’t he?

 

Leaning in close into the raven’s personal space, Hide chuckles in a gossipy manner, ”You like her, don’t you?” Kaneki only backs away and keeps quiet, eyes still not meeting the blond’s. Falling back into his own seat, he laughs at his friend’s reactions. “Can’t blame ya’, though! She’s kinda cute.”

 

“Hide, not so loud! She will hear you!” Kaneki faced his friend, his blush from being caught staring slowly disappearing.

 

The blond just grinned, took a French fry and waved it in dismissal, “Okay, okay. Just wanted to let her know my charming friend over here got the hots for her. She should be honored.”

 

Kaneki’s entire face turned red at that and he whined the sunshine boy’s name. Plopping the fry in his mouth, Hide laughed an apology, and Kaneki, too, now returned to his food. The chatter continued.

 

The sadness in Hide’s chest was now replaced with the feeling of betrayal. How could Kaneki look at her like that? How could he do that to him? _How could--_ -

 

_‘No, no! It’s not his fault. He’s not even yours to begin with, you shit. He has all the rights to look at any girl.’_

 

A mix of anger and jealousy took place of the short-lived feeling. Seeing his best friend like _this_ , because of _someone like_ **_that_ ** _._ Who does this girl think she _is_ ? Who gave her the right? _How dare she?_

 

He stared at the table, his mind occupied with gloomy hateful thoughts. _‘How dare she take Kaneki away from me like this?’_

 

Glancing up at his best friend drinking his iced tea, Hide saw his friend’s eyes fixated on the girl again, her now walking right past their table. Jealousy and anger coiled and gurgled in his stomach, pooling in his hands and head, impulsively frizzling on his fingertips.

 

All of a sudden, Hide loudly belted, “Oh, _HEY, KANEKI,_ you will _not_ believe what this dude from the apartment above mine _did_ last week!”

 

People in the restaurant turned their heads to look at their table, searching for the reason of the sudden noise. The _awfully cute_ employee stopped in her tracks, turning to look at Hide for a second. He did not waver, looking straight at Kaneki with great intensity.

 

Kaneki stared at Hide, a distressed expression on his face, as if he’s about to shush him again.

 

“So, okay, the dude, he usually gets up at 5 and then he…..” Hide began rambling on, explaining the funny and absurd story to the other. The girl shrugged and continued on with her own business. _‘Finally.’_

 

“Hide-- Hide, no, wait, stop,” Kaneki interrupted.

 

Panic shoots through the blond’s head. Was Hide being a bit too obvious?

 

“Are you… feeling alright?”

 

Not expecting the question, Hide stops his thoughts and stills. He must’ve looked really irritated, he realised. He got too carried away in his emotions that he had absolutely blown off his act. Mentally cursing himself, Hide laughs briefly. “Better than ever, ‘Neki, but moving on to the important stuff-- “

 

His words were cut off as air erupted out of his throat loudly, his hand moving to cover his mouth to prevent his coughs from getting all over the place.

 

_‘Amazing timing, as usual.’_

 

Kaneki’s eyebrows shot upwards as his eyes glinted with worry. When the blond had started to calm, he asked, “Are you fine? Maybe we should head back home?”

 

“Ye-,” _cough_ , “-Yup, I’m fine! Don’t worry!”

 

Kaneki sighed, muttering something about sickness and cold, or, something along the lines of that.

 

Seeming to have accepted but not quite believing Hide’s assurance, Kaneki lets his blond friend continue and listens, not aware of the bliss he put the blond in just by merely doing so.

 

Finishing their food and gathering the leftover papers and bags, they set about leaving.

 

The two friends walked out of Big Girl, slipping away from the comfort of A/C and stepping out into the deadly rays of the sun once again, much to their dismay.

 

It wasn’t too late into the day, it was barely 3PM and, surprisingly, neither of them felt like going home yet. Yes, even Kaneki.

 

So, what they decided to do instead, was go out for ice cream to the shop down the street. That being accomplished by a lot of convincing on Hide’s part and some reluctance from Kaneki.

 

Enthusiastically striding on the sidewalk through the trees’ shadows, Hide laughed as they talked about further summer plans and trivial things, jumping from topic to topic.

 

Hide coughed here and there, gaining a show of the black haired boy’s concern each time.

 

“Maybe, you shouldn’t eat the ice cream, after all.”

 

The blond gaped at Kaneki with shocked eyes, an offended look and a playful tone to his voice as he softly gasped, “ _No way_ . How can you say that, Kaneki?” Pulling up a more bold stature, he continued, “ _Nothing_ will stand between me and my food.”

 

The pale boy laughed feebly, uncertainty in the sound.

 

“Kaneki, I’m a-okay. Don’t worry about me so much, I’m not sick. It’s just- just a cough?” he mused aloud, tapping his chin in thought.

 

Kaneki let out a faint sigh. Hide always went out of his way to help others and make them company. He always insisted that he is fine. He’s always so happy, especially for others. And he even tells him not to worry? Does he never think of himself at all?

 

A fit of loud, choked back dry coughs broke off Kaneki’s trail of thoughts. Noticing the way Hide is just about to laugh it off, the pale teen firmly decided he was having none of that, a sudden rush of conviction running through his body.

 

“Hide, come here.” The blond looked up at the mention of his name and did as told. The look on his friend’s face was mirroring that of a stern parent. _‘Okay... This is new.’_ He had to struggle not to shiver.

 

Kaneki took a step forward and did what Hide would not expect, not now, not ever.

 

Brushing the teen’s blond hair back, he put his palm on the blond’s forehead. Hide’s eyes widened and his body felt hot again and this time he was sure it wasn’t because of the warmth of the sun.

 

The stern look on Kaneki’s face turned into a mixture of surprise and concern. “Hide, you’re so hot!”

 

He swallowed and rubbed his neck. Laughing, he backed away a bit. “Thanks, I try.”

 

Kaneki gave him an unimpressed look. “You’re sick. I told you going out yesterday was a bad idea.”

 

“Psh, yeah, sure,” he paused with a small smirk-like smile on his lips, “ _mom_.”

 

Completely ignoring the newfound nickname, he declared, “We are going home.”

 

Considering whether protesting was worth the shot, since Kaneki seemed quite serious about this. Still, batting pleading chocolate eyes at his friend, he whined out a long _Oh, come oonnn!_ to his friend. According to the look he received, that did not work.

 

“Hide, please. I want to do something for you for once,” Kaneki’s eyes turned a sad gray, and Hide’s heart ached.

 

Smiling softly at his best friend, Hide beamed, “Let’s go, then.”

 

Hide was then dragged by the sleeve all the way down the street back to Kaneki’s apartment. Well, no, it was more something like Kaneki making sure Hide was following him while he walked close behind. Kaneki wasn’t really the kind of person to touch someone, unless they initiated it first.

 

Once they’re at the apartment door, Hide starts to feel slightly dizzy. Maybe he is sick after all, just like Kaneki keeps telling him. He chose not to voice it, though. His friend was already worried enough. Hide leaned against the wall, fighting back another cough as Kaneki fiddled with his keys. Successfully opening the door, Kaneki waited for his friend to come in before entering himself. Taking off their shoes, Kaneki motioned the blond to follow him into his bedroom, walking ahead. Something about it seemed kind of… bizarre. With different circumstances this could be taken as something… suggestive.

 

Hide mentally slapped himself for even thinking about that. _‘Oh god. You’re so gross.’_

 

Upon entering the room, Hide was immediately instructed to change into cozier clothing and get into Kaneki’s bed while the owner of the bed went to look for medicine. Hide felt like putting up a fight, but the _unbearably adorable_ proud look on Kaneki’s face when Hide complied made him utterly glad he didn’t because, _oh boy,_ was it worth it. He should do as Kaneki wishes more often.

 

Closing the door behind himself, Kaneki went into the bathroom to check his mirror cabinets for some kind of medicine, to give Hide privacy. The blond was ultimately glad about the gesture. In the past few years it’s been getting more and more difficult at times to dress while the other was around, as the blond would start getting nervous in the boy’s presence while not fully clothed.

 

They had cleaned up before leaving to Big Girl, so the room was tidy. Coughing gently, he shuffled to Kaneki’s closet, looking for his spare clothes.

 

A few minutes passed, and Hide heard a weak knock on the door. Letting Kaneki know he’s finished, said bookworm opens the door with a glass of water and two pills in his hands. Giving them to the blond, he ushered Hide to take the medicine. Then he found a scarf and gave it to the other, waiting until he put it around his neck for warmth. After that was done, he was requested to get in his bed. Failing to bite back a giggle at how much Kaneki resembles a caring parent, Hide laughs as he climbs onto the bouncy mattress of the other’s bed.

 

Puffing the pillow lightly and setting it up so that Hide could stay in a sitting position, Kaneki cooed, “Please sit back.” Hide made sure to take note of what Kaneki did for him just now. _‘Cute. So, so, so cute. Kaneki is so cute.’_ Butterflies kissed the inside of his chest and he felt bubbly.

 

Kaneki swung the blanket over Hide’s sweatpants and loose green T-shirt covered body, covering him wholly, from head to toe. That was accompanied with short laughs from both parties and Hide’s arms going up to free his face. Kaneki then began to tuck the blanket tightly around Hide, so that he could receive maximum warmth. He even considered bringing a second blanket or something, but that’s probably too much, since it’s summer.

 

“You don’t have to baby me like this, you know.” came a muffled mumble from underneath the scarf Hide had put over his mouth, covering his nose.

 

Kaneki just glances and dismisses him. He finally had the opportunity to help. He could finally be useful to someone. Useful for something, _anything._

 

_Kaneki wasn’t about to feel completely pointless to the entire world just yet._

 

“Try not to use your voice too much for now. We don’t need you losing it.” Kaneki smiled and turned around after making sure his friend was properly tucked in. “I’ll go make you something warm to drink. I’ll be right back,” he added.

 

Hide pushed further into the pillow, groaning, though with a smile. He was definitely being babied. Kaneki didn’t have to do any of this for him, it was probably just a cold. And yet…

 

Hide felt warmth flood through his body at the thought of what the cute boy was doing for him. Just for him.

 

He didn’t know just how long he’d sat there like that, dumbly smiling to himself, but soon Kaneki came back with a cup of steaming chamomile tea. Hide frowned at the sight of it. There was nothing tasty about it, in his opinion.

 

“You’re not making me drink that, right?” he implored, dreadful.

 

Kaneki gave him a look. “Of course, I am.”

 

The blond groaned in disapproval, “Noooooooooooooooo....”

 

Now standing besides his bed, Kaneki gave a small sigh. “Hide, come on. It’s for you. I even put extra honey in it.” Hide squinted his eyes, giving a long, considering gaze, first to his friend, then the cup of tea in his hands. Deciding honey would probably fix the disappointing taste of the tea, he nodded.

 

Ruffling and shifting underneath the sheets, two tanned arms came into view, and Hide extended them, ready to take the cup. Passing the tea, Kaneki waited to see him take the first sip after wincing at the sudden contact with such heat. Blowing on his tea, Hide took a sip, grateful for the additional sweetness. Kaneki really does know what he likes. The blond smiles at the thought.

 

He suddenly became terribly aware of the other’s eyes on him. The teen couldn’t help but feel exposed, like his friend was tracking his every move. Which, in a way, actually was the case. It wasn’t bad, he liked it. He liked that it was all for him, that his friend did this because he cared. His stomach felt warm, and that wasn’t only because of the tea. _‘Am I selfish?’_

 

The sick blond cleared his throat after the first few gulps of the gross tea. “So, what are your plans for me now, _dr. Kaneki_ _?_ ” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows as he addressed his friend. Kaneki giggled - _‘Score!’_ \- and looked at the half opened door of his bedroom, thinking about something.

 

“I barely have any food. Your state doesn’t allow us to go out later, so that’s not an option. I think I could go grocery shopping, if you don’t mind,” turning back to Hide, he answered. The raven had that shy, beautiful smile on his lips. Hide’s stomach twisted and he swore his breath hitched in his throat. He suddenly felt light-headed, his chest fluttered.

 

He grinned, “Sure.”

 

And with a nod, he was out of the room. Hide sat there in his best friend’s bed, warm under his blanket with his scarf around his neck. He sipped at his tea, thinking back on Kaneki dragging him here. Kaneki had referred to his apartment as _home._ He wouldn’t have minded to call it his home, if he was honest. It sort of was like it already, now that he thought about it.

 

He listened carefully to the noises the raven made outside of the bedroom, while he looked around for his wallet. Suddenly, a thought occurred in his head.

 

“Hey, Kaneki!” a responding hum from somewhere in the apartment, and Hide continued, “Do you want me to help you with the groceries?”

 

The noise stopped. Hide waited. He heard the sound of footsteps approaching the room. Kaneki peeked through the doorway.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Hide swallowed a gulp of his drink. “I mean, do you want me to go with you and help?”

 

Kaneki just stared at him. “No?”

 

The blond raised his brows, “And why’s that, dr. Kaneki?”

 

The black haired now apparently labeled “doctor” leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms. “You’re ill,” he simply stated.

 

All of a sudden, Hide realised Kaneki is profoundly serious. He blurts as he starts to sit up, “Wait, you don’t mean I’m stuck here?”

 

“I do. You need to get better.”

 

“But _Kaneki!_ It’s not that bad! Besides, it’s _summer,_ ” Hide maintained, “I can’t afford to just stay inside! I need to do something while I can!”

 

Kaneki shakes his head, “You can’t go with me, because that will just kill the purpose, you butt. You need to stay to get better, Hide,” he chided.

 

Hide just pouted as Kaneki walked out of the room, heading to the front door. He could hear the small smile in the other’s voice as he grabbed his keys and opened the door, calmly calling out to Hide, “I will be back in a half an hour! Take care.”

 

As he heard the door close shut, Hide fell back into the pillow. He sighed, with his cup still in his hands. He felt defeated by the charming, shy boy, but didn’t stop the corners of his lips curling into a fond smile behind the warm scarf as he gazed at the clouds outside the window of the small, tidy apartment.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than the first one, sorry! I've been thinking about making shorter chapters, so that I can ensure more frequent updates, but we'll see.
> 
> Also, I've been having a lot of doubts about my pacing and style, and etc. :'^( I feel like it might be too boring or something? I don't know, should I change some things about my writing? Would be nice to hear your thoughts!
> 
> hey, hey, you can find me on Tumblr here: [chocolienits](http://chocolienits.tumblr.com/) ! Come say hi!


	3. Of thy torn sky, of its glow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the nerd is very concerned for his dork, yet has someone else on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was serious about making an update schedule, see? It's been 3,5 weeks since last update aaaaa  
> I have decided that I am going to update _at least_ once in 4 weeks, which isn't very often but, still, it's better than random updates each few months.
> 
> This chapter is around 8800 words long! Just about 200 words shorter than chapter 1 woooo

Kaneki let himself into his apartment, closing the door the moment he was inside. He set the grocery bag onto the kitchen counter to his left and took off his summer shoes, calling out into the apartment, “Hide! I’m back!”

  


Stepping out of the entrance zone, he turned to the plastic bag with the groceries. He relaxedly took the products one by one out of the bag. Having emptied it, the raven moved onto the next task of putting the stuffs in their rightful places.

  


The black haired boy took the carton of milk and spun around to place it into the fridge.

  


A startled yelp escaped Kaneki as he almost dropped the milk onto the floor in surprise. There he sat playing with his phone, cross-legged on the floor, back against the fridge, in all his freckled, blond glory. The blond in question threw his dumbfounded friend a beaming, toothy smile, “Welcome back, ‘Neki!”

  


“Hide!” Kaneki cried, “You scared me! I thought you were in bed.”

  


Hide snickered, “Sorry, sorry!” Swiftly standing up, he passed Kaneki to check out the food. “So, you bought be anything?” he said with a playful tone in his voice.

  


Placing the milk onto a fridge shelf, Kaneki shook his head. “You’re the reason I went in the first place,” he paused to close the fridge. “Why are you not in bed?”

  


The blond propped himself against the counter, “Well, I got a bit bored and… I mean, was I supposed to stay in bed? It’s not like I’m, dunno, dying.” Hide took the bread and joined his friend in putting the food away.

  


Kaneki grabbed the lettuce along with some butter he bought and put it into the fridge, next to the milk. “Hmm, no, I suppose you aren’t.”

  


Hide coughed and the raven studied Hide’s slightly reddened nose for a short moment. The shorter of the two mumbled, “At least... put some socks on, Hide.”

  


Said blond smiled brightly, even though the other couldn’t see. Kaneki’s concern really, really reminded him of the times he was sick as a child. “Will do!” he chirped and headed to the bedroom to fulfill his worried friend’s request.

  


The rest of the afternoon was spent in the small bedroom of the boy. Hide mostly hung around the bed; either bugging Kaneki, or watching the news, or busying himself with observing the small clouds outside the window. Of course, a lot of coughing and whining was done, too. Kaneki, on the other hand, mostly read at the coffee table by his bed. He occasionally asked Hide how he’s feeling or if he needs anything. Despite the blond insisting he’s fine, he made him tea and checked his temperature.

  


Dinner - or, rather, _late lunch_ \- time rolled around and Kaneki stood in the kitchen, preparing chicken soup. He mainly decided to do so because of Hide.

  


The ill teen lay in his best friend’s bed, one leg sticking out from under the blanket. He squinted as he held the book said best friend was reading moments ago, open above his head. He tried to ignore the growing headache in his left temple and the sore feeling in his throat, as he read a quite graphic scene of a woman being torn apart by, what even was it? A… cannibal? Monster? He figured he’d probably know if he started reading from the beginning instead of where Kaneki left off. _‘How does he even read this stuff?’_

  


Giving up on the horror literature, he set the book back down onto the coffee table next to the box of tissues and covered his eyes with his hand. Being _actually_ sick kind of sucked.

  


Though, having Kaneki around was definitely a plus. The warmness and butterflies that bloomed in his chest each time the pale teen gently set his palm on his forehead almost made him feel like a lovestruck middle schooler all over again.

  


He let out a breathy, quiet laugh. The thought made random memories from that period of time wind up. Middle school was one huge _awkward moment_ in Hide’s life, if he was honest.

  


Not long after, Kaneki brought two bowls of chicken soup into his bedroom; one for him and one for Hide.

  


“Thank you for the food!” the blond smiled at his friend, rubbing his runny nose.

  


The evening came rather quickly and without further ado.

  


Kaneki found himself a futon - buried somewhere far and deep in his closet. He had borrowed it from Hide’s parents when he moved. They were kind enough to lend it to him since he, being a poor student, didn’t have the money to buy a bed at the time. Sometimes, he wondered if Hide had to convince them.

  


As the skinny teen made his ‘bed’, Hide sat on the edge of the actual one, eyeing him with a distraught look in his eyes.

  


“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep in your bed?” the blond carefully contended for the upteenth time, perhaps, hoping the other would change his mind.

  


“Yes, Hide. I’m sure. Please, don’t worry,” he simply assured in response.

  


The freckled blond sighed. Sleeping in the same bed on sleepovers wasn’t an unusual practice between the two. They are close friends, they grew up together. Kaneki had declined the offer, asserting that he wasn’t going to sleep in one bed with an ill person.

  


Hide accepted his friend’s reasoning, it was fair. But, _Kaneki refused to let Hide sleep on the futon instead of himself._ Hide wasn’t expecting this.

  


It didn’t make sense. The bed is much more comfortable than the futon, obviously. And the bed was _Kaneki’s_ , no matter how many times Hide had slept in it. Just because the blond now suddenly had an illness didn’t grant him priority.

  


His lips had formed a slight pout, he noticed. _‘Am I thinking too much into it?’_ Yeah, he probably was.

  


“Uh-huh, but, are you _absolutely_ positive? I can use the futon, no prob.”

  


Kaneki glanced up at him, slowly boring into the blond’s eyes. The raven’s silver irises glistened, tints of pink and orange danced and intertwined with the pale grey; the colours of the sunset lurking through the glass window and mirroring in Kaneki’s eyes. Time seemed to heedlessly slow down.

  


Hide’s breath caught in his throat.

  


Kaneki reached over to Hide. It felt like slow motion. His pale skin - illuminated by the warm colours of the setting sun. Which, Hide hastily noted, he was missing. It was worth it, though. He could bet the sight wouldn’t be better than the one which was already in front of him.

  


The raven gently, without any force at all, pushed onto Hide’s chest. The blond immediately gave in to the spur and let himself lose balance. A small _oh noooo_ sounded from Hide as he, so tragically, fell back onto the mattress. _‘Guess that’s a yes,’_ he sighed.

  


Time suddenly went back to flowing normally, hence leaving Hide to feel slightly dumb.

  


Not bothering to cover himself with the blanket, Hide continued to observe his friend. He was wearing a light blue T-shirt and shorts. The timid boy was once more reading. For someone who currently read about murderous, terrifying creatures, he appeared calm. Calm and content.

  


The room filled with warm colours, those flooding in from behind the blinds, flowing across the walls and the furniture. The colours were kind of like an invisible, warm being. It slid into small cracks, filling up as much and as far as it could. It skimmed into the other room, ghosting on the kitchen counter.

  


Warm and bright. That’s what it was.

  


Hide shifted, putting his hand under his head. He felt somewhat dizzy, despite the peaceful atmosphere. His mind flooded with thoughts, yet he felt absolutely in control of them. What a strange state.

  


Kaneki’s thin fingers mindfully took the corner of the book’s page, flipping it over to the next one.

  


His hands held the novel knowingly, with great tenderness and care. Hide looked at them. He wondered what it would be like for his hand to be held by Kaneki the same way. With the same emotions, the same affection.

  


Kaneki stood and flicked the light switch, turning on the light. It was slowly, but undeniably getting darker.

  


Hide turned to the window besides the bed. The pinks and oranges of the sky were now replaced with deep red, liliac and dark blue. The colours intertwined, longing after the recently gone sun.

  


The blond grabbed a tissue and sneezed. Why couldn’t he be as beautiful as the sky?

  


Kaneki, on the other hand, he was beautiful. Much more beautiful than the sky. Though, like the raven’s eyes, the sky could change; it could be gloomy and dark, it could be plain and empty, it could be radiant and full of emotion. But nothing in the sky could be compared to the pale, flawless skin, the silky ebony hair, the shy, soothing voice and the gentle hands. The sky didn’t have what Kaneki had.

  


Darkness crept slowly and surely, drowning out the vibrant colours. Hide didn’t pay any mind to the outside. He watched as Kaneki brought him another warm drink, thanking him. The blond started to get used to the disappointing taste of the chamomile tea Kaneki gave him. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was good or bad.

  


As he drank, he thought back on his and Kaneki’s day. He remembered the incident at Big Girl. Hide instantly groaned the moment he thought of it. He was acting like a complete _idiot_ . He was being an ass out of _jealousy_. He embarrassed both himself and Kaneki in front of so many people.

  


He wanted to slap himself. What he did was so unnecessary. Sure, it’s not like it hasn’t happened before, but he didn’t want it happening again. He was being selfish. That’s not him. That’s not what he’s supposed to be like.

  


Sighing inaudibly, he decided to focus on something else. _‘Bright thoughts, bright thoughts.’_

  


In that moment, Kaneki went to sit at his desk table between the bookshelves and the bed.

  


He set his now empty cup on the coffee table. Training his eyes on the ceiling, he let the distant noise of cars and people from the outside fill his ears, comfortable silence between the two best friends.

  


The lights in the room turned off, only one lamp, the one at Kaneki’s table, left on. “You should get some rest. It’ll soon be midnight,” the black haired boy notified the blond. Hide blinked. _‘Already?’_

  


Nonetheless, he hummed in acknowledgment. A smile tug on his face at the registration of the concern in the reminder.

  


He didn’t realise it was this late, with summer having short nights and all. Though, Kaneki’s suggestion made sense. If he wanted to enjoy his summer, he needed rest to get better.

  


“Are you going to sleep soon? You need rest, too. Reading all the time can’t be good for your eyes.”

  


Hide grinned up at Kaneki, who nodded in response.

  


Closing his eyes, the blond opened them to now be looking out the window. At first, all he saw was pitch black. Then, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he began to make out small, faint white dots. The more he gazed at them, the clearer they became. The sky was clean of clouds and Hide saw an uncountable amount of far-away, seemingly tiny, yet mesmerizing dots.

  


“The stars are pretty tonight,” he whispered to no one in particular.

  


A quiet murmur of a voice breathed back, “Yeah,” somewhere over Hide’s head, after a minute of silence.

  


Hide slid his eyes away from the night sky, setting them onto the whisperer. Kaneki stared out the window, watching the same stars Hide had been gazing at mere seconds ago. A lazy, fond smile unfolded on his lips. The sky, indeed, did not have a thing to offer more fascinating than the kind boy.

  


His eyes felt heavy, the low purrs of sleep like background music in his mind; vague and dim. He only now realised how tired his body was.

  


The dirty blond’s eyelids slowly urged to fall shut and Hide gladly complied. As a bitter-sweet sigh went past the blond’s lips, he closed his eyes with ease, letting himself be pulled unconscious into complete darkness.

  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


Hide’s eyes rapidly flew open. He stared wide-eyed at the white ceiling of his best friend’s apartment. The blinds to his left were closed to keep the room dark and apposite for sleeping.

  


The formerly asleep blond’s body was at ease, still relaxed from slumber. His heart was slowly pumping blood and his breaths were calm. Nothing was wrong.

  


And yet, something was. An unsettling feeling of dread nagged at the pit of his stomach and the back of his mind. Hide furrowed his brows, giving the room a glance.

  


He tried to think back. All he got from trying to recall if he even dreamt tonight at all was the sensation of running as fast as his legs allowed and feeling as if he had been stepped on. He grasped onto blurred images ensuing before his eyes.

  


Did he have a nightmare?

  


_‘Was it one of_ **_those_ ** _?’_

  


Hide sits up and brings one of his hands to his hair, speedily running his fingers through the bleached curls. He has a troubled look on his face, he knows.

  


But everything is fine, right?

  


_‘Right?’_

  


This is so silly. It’s nothing to get worked on over. It’s fine.

  


_‘It’s cool. Stop being silly.’_

  


He doesn’t even _remember_ what he dreamed of. It’s silly. He’s silly.

  


The blond’s body remained calm, but his brain was beginning to stress.

  


_Something was wrong, something happened. What was the dream about? What was it? What?_

  


A certain black haired person in the doorway of the bedroom stopped his ragged train of thought. Kaneki stood there, with a kind expression on his face and a cup of instant noodles in his hold.

  


“I see you’re finally awake,” he smiled.

  


A quiet gasp of surprise went past the addressed blond’s lips unnoticed as he hurriedly struggled to pull himself together.

  


He grinned at Kaneki, showing off his set of teeth. “Good morning, dude!”

  


Kaneki went farther into the room and Hide forced all thoughts of the dream - _nightmare_ , he corrected - out of his head and put on a bright face for his best friend.

  


The unsettledness in his gut nagged at him, still.

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


Kaneki breathed in the hot summer air. The main streets of his ward were busy and churned with people, so he was glad his destination was closer to the less populated, less occupied part. He was on his way to an old fashioned library nearby Hide’s apartment he recently discovered.

  


It had many interesting looking books, and despite the library appearing old, the books were mostly modern Japanese literature. They had a wide range of novels, which Kaneki was fond of. He even found this one author he took quite the liking to. Takatsuki Sen - she wrote horror and tragedy genre novels.

  


Takatsuki’s writing had caught his eye because of her unique way of portraying emotion and transferring the events and meaning behind said events to the readers. As the author, she was rather cruel to her characters.

  


Kaneki went through a small park, walking past the occasional children running and couples sitting on the benches.

  


Today was nice. Birds chirped in the branches of the trees, no clouds were to be seen anywhere on the everlasting cerulean sky. A brief breeze moved the air, running around Kaneki, soothing his hot skin. It caressed his hair, ruffling his locks just the smallest little ounce.

  


_‘Hide would like this,’_ he thought, crossing a small street. But he’s sick, and today he looked paler than usual. Moreover, when they proceeded to watch another one of Hide’s movies, the blond managed to get a painful headache, or at least, that’s what it seemed like. He shouldn’t go outside to experience the weather. The black haired boy was the one who forbid the blond of going outside until he isn’t as feverish, after all. _Oh well_. Hopefully, the weather would stay the same for at least a few more days. He made a mental note to check the weather forecast later.

  


Turning the corner, a smile pulled at his thin lips. He was a mere block away from the library. Kaneki noticed he was walking with a bit of spring in his step. He felt strangely happy, with a shade of nervous excitement.

  


The myriad supply of books the establishment possessed wasn’t the only reason for his anticipation, though. A young lady, - recent graduate, just like Kaneki, - who worked the afternoon shifts on the work days with two other employees, had also struck an interest in the timid boy.

  


The first time he met her was the second time he decided to visit the library a week ago. He soon learned her name was Kurosawa. She was so nice to him, even when he had accidently dropped a few books. The librarian was the person who had recommended Takatsuki’s books to him, too.

  


Other than that, she was so beautiful. By far one of the most gracious women Kaneki had ever encountered. Maybe, she was even too gracious for him. The possibility made Kaneki’s joy shrink slightly, but despite that, a bubbly feeling twirled in his stomach at the thought of her.

  


_‘I should tell Hide about her some time,’_ he mused as he opened the door to the old building.

  
  


In the meanwhile, steady darkness enfolded Kaneki’s apartment. The blinds on the bedroom’s window shut as utterly as possible, Hide lay on his side facing the doorway. He stared off into the other room, intently watching the entrance door of the not-too-big, not-too-small two room apartment Kaneki owned.

  


As a result to all the recent tossing and turning, the bed was messy; the blanket pushed aside and the sheets not anywhere near neatly tucked in. Hide hugged the pillow closely to his chest.

  


_‘Kaneki’s late.’_

  


His friend had told him he would be gone for only an hour to return some books to the library. It has been more than an hour already.

  


Hide sighed heavily and rolled onto his back. The plain ceiling stared right back at him. Hide frowned.

  


“Why is he taking so long...?” he whined aloud. He decided to give texting his friend another shot.

  


He touched around on the coffee table, careful to avoid knocking other objects over. Taking hold of his smartphone, he squinted at the brightness of the screen. With struggle, he put in his password combination and unlocked his phone. He quickly typed up a text message to Kaneki.

  


**15:12**

**to: Kaneki**

**subject: hurry back!!**

 

 **_heyy neki where are you? dont make me concerned_ ** **_ヾ((；´･ω･)ﾉ_ **

  


The blond stared at his phone screen for a moment longer in case of receiving a reply quickly. That didn’t happen and Hide closed his eyes, gently dropping his phone somewhere between the sheets.

  


He felt a headache grow in his temples and he hugged his pillow tighter. He furrowed his brows more, scrunching his forehead and nose. He was so miserable. Alone in the dark with a headache and nothing to do. And it’s not even that he doesn’t _have_ things to do, he just _can’t_ . He tried watching a movie with Kaneki that morning, but his head decided it’d be fun to present him with a killer headache. He tried playing on his phone and received the same treatment. He couldn’t even read a book, or look outside. The light was too overwhelming. But that’s not even the end of it. He had to stay quiet, too. Kaneki hasn’t lived here for that long, but his neighbours already full well knew Hide’s, as they put it, _‘loud’_ , _‘obnoxious’_ voice.

  


Another sigh. At least his cough wasn’t as bad. Hopefully this would end soon, too.

  


Hide pressed his face into the pillow, clutching it with his hands. He slowly breathed in. It smelled like old books and instant coffee, mixed with the smell of Hide’s shampoo. The presence of his best friend’s smell was soothing and Hide soon found himself yearning for more. He breathed in again, slipping into the smell, letting it take over his mind. His formerly tense muscles began to loosen up as he relaxed into the snug aroma.

  


A sudden _ting!_ and a short vibration somewhere by his side pulled him out of his restful trance, making him jolt up in bed; a little too abruptly, even, as he gained a painful tug in his temples. Hide plopped his hands around the sheets, trying to find his phone. Abandoning his phone just like that was the dumbest thing he had done all day, he cursed. Finally locating his phone, the blond fumbled with it; _1 new message from Kaneki_ , it read. Hide’s brown eyes widened at the sight of the notification. He sat up straighter and took hold of his phone with both hands, unlocking it.

  


The blond licked his lips as he read. He didn’t realise how dry they were.

  


**15:27**

**From: Kaneki**

**Subject: Sorry!**

 

**_I am almost home. I didn’t realise how much time had passed. Didn’t notice your messages, sorry! Please, wait for me!_ **

  


_‘Huh.’_

  


Hide let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. He typed up and sent a quick reply; something along the lines of _gotcha! see u soon._

  


_‘He finally checked his phone.’_

  


The ill blond set his cell phone back onto the low table. He breathed out of his nose and tiredly lay back down onto the mattress. Closing his eyes for just a moment, he halfway opened them back up. He slowly breathed in and out, taking in the faint scent of his childhood friend lingering in the air. Surprisingly, it appeared to help him ease the foul pain in the sides of his head.

  


He lost track of time. The worn out teen did not know how much time had passed, or how long he’d been lying in the same position, slowly blinking, when he heard the click of the front door. He perks up almost instantly, his messy haired head turning in the direction of the doorway. The sound could only mean one thing. He wanted to run to the door and greet the other like a small puppy would an owner. But the immense feeling of fatigue kept him glued to the bed.

  


Soon after, the familiar skinny figure of his dear childhood friend came into view as he calmly, as to not disturb the blond, approached the bedroom. Kaneki saw Hide awake, looking at him. “Hide…!” he started, but his voice died in his throat, once he discerned the drained state the other was in. It was dark, but what he saw was unmistakable. Hide looked _terrible._ His bright eyes were burnt-out, his hair was a much worse mess than he last remembered. His body screamed of distraught.

  


The voice of his friend stopped his train of thought, “Kaaaaaneekiii.... You took so long...” he croaked.

  


_Oh god, his voice._ It was hoarse and dry. _‘What happened while I was gone?’_

  


“Ah, sorry, Hide..! I was talking to someone and got carried away,” he stopped to set his book bag onto the floor, keeping his eyes on the sick person, “u-um, how… How are you feeling?”

  


Propping himself into a sitting position, Hide looked at Kaneki with an unreadable expression. “Hey, don’t do that anymore! Rabbits can die of loneliness, you know.” He stopped, seeming to consider something. He continued, “I feel… fine. The headaches just won’t stop, though.”

  


Kaneki fiddled with the collar of his shirt. “I gave you painkillers and put a wet cloth on your forehead before leaving.” Hide nodded his head _“yes”_. “Did it help at all?”

  


Hide touched his chin in thought. “It did, but very little. And it wasn’t very lasting.” He spoke slowly, his tone barely above a whisper.

  


The raven bit his lower lip. “The water I gave you… Did you drink it?”

  


Another nod.

  


Kaneki knitted his brows together and eyed his friend intently with concern. What should he do now? _‘Painkillers?’_ No, he already gave Hide two pills and that wasn’t even that long ago. He can’t, not yet.

  


“Have you tried sleeping?” he questioned. Hide took a few seconds and then shook his head _“no”_. Kaneki breathed out loudly, sighing.

  


“Well, maybe you could try that? It could help, I think,” he offered. Something in Hide’s expression changed. He seemed reluctant. “I don’t know about that, man..” he faltered hesitantly, reaching to rub his neck.

  


Kaneki raised his brow a little. “Why…” he paused, “..Nevermind, then.” He frowned at the blond. He seemed kind of tired. Kaneki exhaled soundlessly. “Are you hungry? It has been quite some time since you last ate. I mean, if you didn’t eat while I was gone.”

  


Hide’s eyes brightened up just the littlest bit more at that. “No, I didn’t. Huh. I didn’t even think about that,” he smiled, scratching his cheek, “I guess the headaches are at fault.” Kaneki laughed faintly, his voice soaked in concern, nonetheless. The heaviness of the atmosphere began to draw away just a bit.

  


“Well, I can make you something… Uh, would you fancy a sandwich?” Hide breathed a soft snort at his friend’s use of words. He nodded weakly. “Okay, then, I’ll go make some,” clasping his hands together, he decided. Once he turned on his heels to go back into the kitchen, he heard a hushed voice nearly whisper behind himself, “Thanks.”

  


The raven turned his head in the direction of the owner of the voice. Hide sat there slumped

on the bed, a tired, fond smile lazing on his lips. He had that odd look on his face. Kaneki couldn’t help the smile forming on his own lips because of it. “Try to relax. I’ll be right back.”

  


Hide wanted to whimper a round of _noooo come baaack_ the moment his best friend was out of view but couldn’t bring himself to. His throat felt dry, he kept feeling worse and worse with each minute. Or did he feel like this the entire day? Was he just doing a better job at ignoring it?

  


He brought his legs up onto the bed, folding his knees, and waited. He kept closing his eyes and furrowing-unfurrowing his brows as the pain pulsated in the sides of his head.

  


Kaneki put the finishing touches on the simple sandwiches, placing them on a plate. Taking it, he walked back to his bedroom. Upon returning, Hide straightened up just a bit. Kaneki set the plate onto the coffee table, close enough to allow the blond to take one of the sandwiches. “Thank you for the food!” he thanked. The freckled teen blankly inspected the sandwich in his hands for a few seconds before bringing it up to his lips, and nibbled at it with vague hostility. The thought of eating suddenly appeared very unappealing to him. Though, he concealed his enmity with an attempt to start a conversation. “Say, Kaneki,” he mumbled into the sandwich, as Kaneki sat onto the floor by the small table, “did you get any other weird nerd books while you were at that place?”

  


His raven-haired friend huffed a bit at that, however, the glint in his eyes gave away his excitement at the question. “They’re not _weird nerd books_ , Hide,” he informed, “and, yes, I did! I got another one by Takatsuki Sen. It’s called-” he abruptly stopped. ‘ _Oh, right.’_ “Ah, I actually brought a book for you, too! I almost forgot.” Kaneki reached behind himself to get his book bag, which he abandoned by the room’s doorway. Opening it and slipping a book out of it, he turned back to the blond. He was nearly bouncing where he sat and Hide watched with as much amusement as he could muster.

  


Kankei lifted the book up for Hide to see. There was a person in a big, long raincoat and hat on the front cover. Hide couldn’t make out their face due to the hat throwing dark shadows upon it. They looked threatening and mysterious. “Look! This is a detective novel. It’s about a private detective who’s hired to investigate the strange murders and robberies, and in rare cases, even disappearances of people in New York. The case turns out much more difficult than the detective had thought and he ends up having to get a former excellent thief to help him solving it.” Hide amusedly raised an eyebrow. A half-smile lingered on his lips as he listened to his normally shy best friend talk about the book. Has Kaneki even read it?

  


Hide’s smile softened. He was happy that Kaneki was so jolly. It wasn’t really that often that the blond got to hear his beautiful, soft voice speak with such enthusiasm and joy. Especially since he usually avoids talking a lot since he’s always worried about talking _too much_ , it’s very stirring when the bookworm rants about these things. It always feels so special to the blond. If he was given the opportunity to be able to listen to Kaneki’s talking for the rest of his life, he definitely would not say no.

  


“It was recommended to me by one of the library’s workers and I immediately thought of you,” Kaneki revealed. Hide swore his heart skipped a beat. _‘Kaneki thought of me.’_

  


“I see,” he said, fighting back a tiny (and, surely, stupid) smile. “I thought you could, maybe, read it, and… I mean, you like detective stories, right?” Kaneki asked, now unsurely holding the book in front of his chest. Hide nodded his head rapidly and made a positive noise in the back of his throat. The throbbing headache grew an ounce worse. ‘ _Ow, ow, wait, bad idea.’_

  


Kaneki visibly relaxed, but it was gone soon; Hide winced and shot a hand to hold at his temple. Kaneki practically jumped to his feet, the book left on the table, forgotten. “Are you alright?” he asked, worry lucidly displayed on his face.

  


Hide groaned under his breath. “Ugh… Ye-..yeah… I’m fine,” he muttered, clenching his eyes shut again. These headaches are awfully persistent on not leaving him be, it seems.

  


“Hide, let me see your forehead,” the raven requested. Hide moved his hand farther away from his forehead. Kaneki gently brushed away his soft, blond curls and pressed his palm onto the space above his brows. An unsettled sigh passed Kaneki’s lips. “Your temperature is going up again...”

  


_‘Just as I thought Hide was getting better...’_

  


The ill blond didn’t answer, he just rubbed his eye with the ball of his hand.

  


Removing his palm off of his best friend’s forehead, Kaneki looked at him with concern. He sighed, “You should lie down. I’ll be right back… okay?” He waited for Hide to nod, and when the blond did, Kaneki went out of the room to, probably, get something.

  


Slowly blinking, Hide set his barely-touched sandwich and took the pillow he had abandoned by his side and put it onto the mattress so that he could lay his head onto it. He shifted his legs and slowly laid his back onto the mattress. His muscles felt heavy. Was it just him or his breaths came out ragged and heavy?

  


Before the blond knew it, Kaneki was back. He had a small, wet cloth with him. “Hide, I’m going to put a cloth on your forehead again, okay? It’s cold, please don’t flinch,” he warned. Hide whined quietly at the sudden contact with the cold and wet fabric. After a moment of silence, Kaneki spoke up. “Do you need anything?” he softly asked. The blond declined. Sighing, Kaneki went to sit by his desk at the headboard of the bed, planning on keeping an eye on Hide.

  


“...How are you feeling?” the raven bugged again. A few deep, slow breaths later, Hide responded. “Pretty hot. But.. I- I suppose I can’t help being this handsome,” he surmised, the smallest hint of a snicker in his hushed voice. Kaneki smiled and reached to gently ruffle the others hair. “Dork.”

  


“Hey..! Look who’s talking… _dr. Kaneki,_ ” firing back, he weakly laughed.

  


Kaneki chuckled back, a smile lingering on his lips. He set his elbow onto the table and propped his head up with his hand. He could read now, he thought. But, then again, he would need light to read and Hide wouldn’t be too happy about that. He took a gander over his bedroom. He saw the plate on the coffee table with the food. _‘He barely ate anything...’_ Was Hide not hungry after all?

  


Peeking a look at the pained look on his best friend’s face, he decided to ask him something. “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep?”

  


Hide was silent for a moment, even silencing his breaths. “Yeah.” The raven drummed the fingers of his free hand on the edge of his desk. He pushed further, “Are you tired?”

  


“...I guess.”

  


The raven hummed in thought. “Why don’t you want to sleep?”

  


This time, the blond opened his mouth rather quickly, but then shut it just as fast. Kaneki frowned. “Do you... Is there anything… Is there anything I can do to help you?” He doesn’t want Hide to feel bad. He really wants to help.

  


The blond turned his head slightly to the side, careful not to let the material on his forehead slip off. “I… don’t know? Maybe...?” he sort of shrugged. Kaneki frowned more and tilted his head.

  


“Do you want me to give you some space? I can go sit in the other room,” he offered. Hide insisted, “No, no! Don’t… don’t leave.” If anything, the presence of his best friend only made him feel better.

  


“Do you want me to come closer?” Hide stared straight ahead of himself, considering the offer.

  


He does.

  


Receiving a small nod from the sick blond, Kaneki stood up and stopped by his bed. He sat down onto the floor and crossed his legs, putting his hands one onto the other on the bed and resting his chin atop. Hide turned a little to look at him with half-lidded eyes. Kaneki’s face was calm but full of concern, his eyebrows knitted upwards and an almost sad half-smile ghosting on his mouth in greeting to the chocolate eyes of the blond.

  


“Hey, Kaneki,” he muttered. Kaneki raised his brows. “Yeah?”

  


“Thanks for the book.”

  


The smile on his pale lips grew. “You’re welcome, Hide.”

  


Hide closed his eyes and quietly sighed, turning his head back to face the ceiling. The cold, wet cloth seemed to help him out of the dull state, unlike the last time. Or, perhaps, it was the reserved, endearing raven-haired boy. Hide wouldn’t be surprised if it was the latter.

  


Kaneki’s presence beside him made the room feel quiet and calm rather than the exhaustion and dread the darkness seemed to possess. The calmness and quiet still appeared to be distant, but it was there. Hide closed his eyes, and he was enclosed in darkness. His ears listened to his own deep breaths, catching on the inhales and exhales of another, too. Kaneki’s were slow and quiet, almost inaudible. Almost as if he was afraid to take in too much air or being too loud; leaving room for Hide to breathe.

  


He slowly willed his eyes open. “Kaneki?” he breathed out into the stillness of the room. He heard a hum next to his ear, a questioning tone to it. “Are we going to sleep separately?”

  


A small _huh?_ went past Kaneki’s lips as he tried to understand what Hide meant. “Oh,” he went, “oh, well… I don’t know? I mean, you seem even sicker than yesterday so...” he trailed off. For a second, he observed his friend. “Why?” he wondered.

  


Hide licked his dry lips. “No reason.”

  


His head felt dizzy again. The wet cloth had warmed up.

  


Kaneki immediately noticed. “Ah, let me change that.” He retreated the fabric and quickly stood up, telling Hide he’d be back soon. The blond could feel the dizziness getting worse. Kaneki returned and put the same cloth onto his forehead, now freshly soaked in cold water. Hide winced again.

  


“Are you too hot?” his best friend slash temporary carer motioned to the sweat rolling down Hide’s uncovered arms and legs. “I can turn the A/C up.”

  


Getting this sick while it’s 25 degrees celsius is inarguably a sign of _terrible_ luck. Honestly, to Hide it felt like he could die any moment now, hence he nodded to his friend. Said friend swiftly went and turned the air conditioner up for the blond.

  


“I don’t feel too good,” the blond grunted once the raven returned to his side.

  


“What’s wrong?” Kaneki knitted his brows in great worry.

  


Sighing, he explained. “I just… My head hurts. ‘N I feel really... tired. But I can’t fall asleep.”

  


Liar, liar, pants on fire.

  


“How can I help you?”

  


“I...” he paused, thinking. This is the dumbest thing he’s going to say today. “Would you mind lying down in bed with me?”

  


Kaneki gaped at Hide, eyebrows raised. Hide started preparing to get scolded and rejected. “It might make me feel better,” he sketchily reasoned, “though, it’s fine if you don’t want to! I mean, I get it, we’re both almost college students, we’re… we’re not kids anymore, I get it.”

  


Has he completely lost his mind due to this fever? _‘What am I even doing-’_

  


“No! No, no, it’s fine, I’ll do it. If it makes you feel better,” smiling warmly at Hide, he reassured, almost dismissively waving his hands in front of himself.

  


“Oh,” he dumbly mumbled, “okay.”

  


“You should scoot over to the side, the bed isn’t that big,” Kaneki smiled. Hide, with slight struggle, did as told. Kaneki quickly found another pillow in his closet and set it down onto his bed, then carefully joined it.

  


He turned to face Hide and put his hand between the pillow and his head. Hide could feel his cheeks starting to burn, but in a different way than before. Kaneki was suddenly so close and Hide’s ill, giddy mind didn’t know how to handle the information.

  


And yet, he couldn’t deny that he felt safer. Because it’s not that he _couldn’t_ fall asleep, he _refused_ to. If the dream, or nightmare, he had last night was what he _thinks_ it was, he definitely isn’t going to risk getting one again. He was sick of them.

  


Turning slightly to the side to look at Kaneki, Hide instantly averted his gaze once it set on the other’s silver eyes. _Kaneki’s looking at him._

  


_‘Oh, god,’_ Hide suddenly realised something, _‘he’s lying where I was this entire time. Where I was sweating this entire time. Oh no, oh my god, why didn’t I even think about this, why, why, why me?? Kaneki is probably so grossed out, oh god---’_

  


Smooth, Hide. Very smooth.

  


He attempted to look at Kaneki again. This time, he didn’t look away. Kaneki formed a tiny smile for him. Hide’s heart trembled. “Do you feel any better?” his childhood friend asked in a voice softer than a cloud of cotton. The blond would shiver if his body didn’t feel so dull and heavy.

  


“Yeah. A little.”

  


He slowly blinked, the smile still present. “I’m glad.”

  


Hide gazed into the raven-head’s clear, grey irises with much more incredulity and affection than he’d ever allow himself to admit aloud. The fact that those breath-taking orbs were gazing right back into his own ordinary, plain ones, caused his heart to throb against his ribcage like it was begging to break out. Even if they weren’t watching with the same reason as Hide’s.

  


Kaneki’s eyes blinked, his dark eyelashes lightly touching his pale skin. It was such an abrupt contrast to the rest of the darkness in the room. The colour of the ebony-haired boy’s almost porcelain skin looked as though it _popped_ compared to the background, screaming to be looked at. But, at the same time, the paleness made him look like a ghost. On the other hand, the pitch black locks almost blended in with everything else, but it was still there, mysterious and unspeakable.

  


_Oh_ , and his _eyebrows._ They were so thin, so dark, so _perfect._ The way they curved when Kaneki raised them in surprise or when he was laughing heartily. Hide especially appreciated them then.

  


The blond’s eyes followed down the other’s face.

  


Why did everything about the raven seem so indescribably flawless? Starting from the way he walked, to the way his thin lips formed such an endearing pout, to how light shined in his hair. Everything was so stunning, so _unique._ Hide has never encountered anyone possessing as much beauty as Kaneki. _And that’s pretty impressive;_ Hide has met a lot of people up to this point in his lifetime.

  


_‘Your eyes are really beautiful,’_ is what he would want to say right now. But, once he opened his mouth, he shut it just as quickly. _‘What the heck.’_

  


Of course, he won’t say it. Who just lies in the same bed next to their best bro of all time, stares at them for no clear reason and blurts out something as repulsive as _“your sight organs are pleasing to look at”_?

  


Gross. Yuck.

  


Kaneki made a questioning noise in the back of his throat. _‘Oh._

  


_So he saw.’_

  


Hide breathed in deeply, closing his eyes. Opening them, he saw Kaneki looking at him and waiting for the blond to say what he wanted to say.

  


Hide weirdly smiled out of nervousness; like the times when people say that you’re lying, but you’re really not, or, just the opposite. But he quickly surpassed it, putting on a casual half-smile. “Hey.”

  


Wow. _‘I deserve a pat on the shoulder.’_ Amazing.

  


Kaneki’s eyebrows rose, probably in amusement. “Hey,” he echoed.

  


Pausing again to take a few more breaths, Hide made up his mind on what to say. “Thanks… again.” Air went past the raven’s lips as some sort of a silent laugh. “It’s nothing. I just hope that you’ll like the book.”

  


“No, I meant… Not just for the book. Thanks... for this. For everything.” Something in the reserved teen’s eyes changed as he took his time to think. His lips growing softer, he reassured, “It’s no bother.”

  


Somehow, Hide was sure it was. Or, maybe, he was just telling himself that. But he knew better than to argue with Kaneki.

  


Minute after minute passed and Hide found himself closing his eyes longer and more frequently. It was also so hard to will himself to open them, his eyelids grew heavier with each blink. He felt sleepy, like he could fall asleep any moment now if only he let himself to. Seeing Kaneki close his eyes, too, he smiled. With him, he felt so oddly calm. His heart had calmed down and he didn’t feel dizzy and sick. The outside noises weren’t to reach his earshot, and the dreary thoughts of whatever might await him once he’s in the world of sleep left for just this once.

  


Before he knew it, his eyelids were shut tight, and the only sound in the room was the steady, quiet breathing of the two childhood friends resting in the messy, small bed.

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


Hide sat up straight in his bed, well-rested and slightly disoriented. The warm rays of sunlight poured into the room, little bright dots dancing on every surface. Stretching his back and arms, he took in his immediate surroundings. Wait, this isn’t _his_ bed. He’s in Kaneki’s bed. “Oh,” he blurted.

  


Rubbing his eye with his hand, he looked around, searching for the owner himself. “Kaneki?” he mumbled into the warm air. No answer. Standing up, he walked to the other room, now calling out a little louder, “Kaneki?” Still, he received no answer whatsoever.

  


Turning back to the bedroom in mild confusion and curiosity as to where his friend went, he noticed a post-it note on the coffee table. Walking closer to it, he picked it up and read the neatly written notice.

  


_Hide,_

 

_We ran out of bread so I went_

_out to buy some. Didn’t want_

_to wake you up. I will be back!_

_Don’t worry._

 

_\- Kaneki._

  


The blond set the post-it note back down and chuckled. Kaneki’s handwriting was so neat and perfect. It was so unbelievably _nerdy._ It fit his best friend well, though. What a nerd.

  


Hide glanced at the half opened blinds in Kaneki’s bedroom. Deciding the room needs more of the refreshing light, he moved to open them up fully. However, once he did it, he ultimately regretted it. His eyes squinted shut at the sudden attack of the bright light. Raising his hand to his eyebrows, he shielded his eyes. “Man, I sure haven’t looked outside in a long while,” he stated to himself.

  


Speaking of which, didn’t he feel miserable yesterday? Why does he suddenly feel alright?

  


_‘Maybe ‘Neki gave me different medicine?’_

  


But he didn’t remember being given anything other than the usual. Heck, he doesn’t even remember how he fell asleep.

  


All of a sudden, realisation struck him. Heat rushed from his toes all the way to his head. A triple salto performed by his stomach and the fluttering of his heart, and Hide could swear his entire face was probably redder than a tomato, if the impression of churning fire set to the tips of his ears was of any indication.

  


He made Kaneki sleep in the same bed with him. “Uugghguggg,” covering his entire face with his hands, he groan-whined. He wanted to go hide somewhere. Preferably alone, and preferably forever.

  


Then, he heard sounds at the front door; someone had come back. He heard quiet footsteps and a mumble of _“I’m home!”_ and began screaming internally, jolting up. Why come back now, of all times?!

  


Putting up a bright grin, he nearly ran out of the room and practically jumped onto his best friend, clasping him in a bone-crushing hug. This will do just fine to distract the other from his flushed face. “KA-NE-KI!!” he just about hollered in said nerd’s ear. Setting the startled raven free of his embrace, Hide held his hands on the other’s shoulders firmly.

  


Kaneki’s cheeks were dusted with a slight shade of pink. Hide’s heart could melt away right that instant. _‘Cute...’_

  


The raven-haired teen’s face lit up, “Ah! I see you’re doing much better now!”

  


Hide grinned even wider, snickering. “I feel pretty great, finally.”

  


“So all you really needed was to sweat it out, huh...”

  


The blond retreated his hands and shrugged. _‘I would bet it was you that helped, but okay.’_

  


“What?” Kaneki asked, mildly amused. _‘DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD, OH G--’_

  


“Yeah! It’s like you have some sort of, like, magic powers or something, you know?”

  


Kaneki sighed in the kind of affectionate way, as if saying _you’re a dork._ He turned around and placed the loaf of bread he had been holding onto the kitchen counter. Briefly looking back on the blond, he asked, “Did you wait long?”

  


“Ahhh, no, I actually just woke up!” he laughed, scratching the back of his head. Kaneki abruptly stopped doing whatever he was and went to stare at Hide. “Do you know what time it is?” Hide glanced at the electric clock on the oven. “Uhh… 10am?”

  


“So you’re telling me you slept for _17 hours?_ ”

  


Hide was about to say something smart back, but instead shut his mouth, curling his lips into a grin and shrugging. “Guess so.” An unbelieving expression on his face, Kaneki almost looked baffled.

  


“Wait, so, how long were you gone, anyways?” Hide wondered, leaning against the fridge.

  


Surprised by the question, Kaneki didn’t answer right away. “Oh, I-I don’t know. Around an hour. Why?” he stuttered a little.

  


The blond raised an eyebrow. “An hour? To go get bread?”

  


Kaneki reached for his chin, smiling nervously. “Ah, I went for a walk afterwards.”

  


“Is that so?” the blond questioned. Kaneki was definitely hiding something and he had no idea what it could possibly be.

  


The scrawny raven nodded obscurely, humming a noise of agreement. The light blush from before was once again dusted on his pale cheeks. Hide kind of felt hurt, what was Kaneki hiding? Was he not worthy of knowing? Opting not to bother his best friend _for now_ \- and, possibly, ruin the day for both of them, which would be quite unfortunate, considering the good start - Hide straightened up. Changing the subject, he enquired, “Hey, have you eaten breakfast yet?”

  


His mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, before he answered. “Ah, no, I haven’t.”

  


Hide clasped his hands together, a big, mischievous grin curling on his lips. A suggestive sparkle glinted in his brown eyes as he directed the look at Kaneki. “ _Perfect_!” he exclaimed, “We’re going out for breakfast!” Kaneki looked like he was about to agree, but then asked in doubt, “Hide, are you sure you should be going out already? What if you’re still sick?”

  


The energetic blond visibly huffed, reaching towards Kaneki and draping his arm over his shoulder, “Kaneki, Kaneki, Kaneki. Ka-ne- _ki!_ Have you even looked at me? I feel _and_ look _great!_ ” he squeezed the other tighter, nonchalantly pulling him closer. “And, ‘Neki, you _can’t_ seriously be expecting me to just _waste my time at home_ when my body is finally at its physical _peak!_ ”

  


Hesitating just a bit more, Kaneki finally gave in, briefly chuckling. “Okay, Hide. Do you have somewhere in mind?”

  


Scratching his chin with his free hand in thought, he gave his best friend a knowing, tricksy glance. “Actually, I do! There’s this really cool cafe I found the other day; they have special breakfast deals!” Hide finished, an excited, anticipated glint in the corners of his eyes, as he watched Kaneki, waiting for his reply.

  


“Fine, let’s go there, then? Let me just go get my wallet,” he said, wiggling out of the blond’s grasp. Holding him still in place, Hide beamed, “ _Nuh-huh!_ No need for that. It’s my treat!”

  


Surprise caressed Kaneki’s face. Bringing his hands in front of himself, he began waving them. “I can just pay for myself, you don’t-”

 

“Kaneki, no, it’s fine. I will take care of it! And, _besides,_ I need to repay you for everything that you’ve done for me in the past, what? 1 and a half days?” the tan teen cut him off, trying to convince him of his plan. The raven-haired friend averted his eyes, feeling guilty. “I… I don’t know, Hide, it’s fine--”

  


“Yes, and that’s exactly why you should let me pay! Come on, _‘Neki_ , I really want to. I will repay you for what you’ve done and you won’t have to spend any more of your money. Everyone’s happy!”

  


The grey eyed book worm sighed. Hide’s stupidly stubborn when he wants something. But he’s doing this for Kaneki, right?

  


Visibly untensing, Kaneki made a surrender. “Okay. You’re like a small kid, you know? Let’s just go already.”

  


Snorting, Hide started walking towards the bedroom, his arm slipping off the other’s slim shoulders. “Pfft, aren’t you the one arguing like a child? Huh, _mom?_ ”

  


Kaneki crossed his arms in front of his chest and gave Hide a half-annoyed look. A smile played on his lips as he spoke, “Go get ready. You’re still in those ugly sweatpants, you know? I don’t want to be seen with someone wearing that.” Instantly after, Kaneki heard a dramatic gasp from his bedroom.

  


“How _dare_ you insult my fashion?! Someone like Mr. I-Dress-Like-A-Nerd-24/7 isn’t one to express opinions on this!”

  


“Wha- _hey!_ I don’t dress like that!” he objected frantically, a pout replacing his smile as he untied his arms. He heard loud cackling of the blond, and then it died down to small snickers as he walked out of the doorway, dressed in what he was dressed when he got here.

  


Giving Kaneki a funny glance, Hide laughed, “Sure you don’t, you nerd.” As the freckled blond passed him, Hide touched his shoulder lightly, brushing against it. Kaneki turned his head, following him with his eyes.

  


Hide, already at the door, fiddled with the front door. “Kaneki, you’re lagging behind!” he snickered. Kaneki drifted out of his brief trance, turning on his heels and catching up to Hide at the doorway. The fresh air hit Kaneki’s nose, and Hide practically ran out to the stairs, welcoming back the bright, joyous summer he could now, again, enjoy. A fond smile made itself seen, relaxing the raven’s features into a soft, peaceful mush.

  


He was truly glad his best friend was finally alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm rather unhappy with this chapter, if I'm honest. I wanted to include much more in this chapter but I somehow accidentaly expanded everything???? And wrote things I wasn't originally planning to?? I have no self control
> 
> But I hope you enjoyed/liked this chapter (even if I don't)!
> 
> Hello, yes, I have a Tumblr! Come and say hi at [chocolienits](http://chocolienits.tumblr.com)!!


	4. Of how it spills in the sunken air.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even after all this time… _‘It’s still like this.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a day late aaaa I'm so sorry!  
> This chapter is the shortest one yet with only around 6600 words ahh
> 
> I can't say I'm happy about this one but I don't have much time to edit and improve it, so this is what you get ahah
> 
> happy Valentine's day, by the way!

A middle-aged man with nicely brushed back hair stood by the two best friends’ table, a small notepad in hands. He politely smiled, nodding, as he finished writing down the boys’ orders. Clicking his pen, he bowed and excused himself.

  
  


Once the man had left them alone, Hide and Kaneki visibly relaxed in their seats. The weather outside was beautiful, much to Kaneki’s delight. It was similar, if not the same, to what it was like yesterday when he was making his way to the old library. He had hoped Hide could enjoy it as well.

  
  


The raven-haired one glanced at Hide, who was currently admiring the scenery played out on the other side of the wide glass window of the cafe. His deep, brown eyes gazed off as he rested his chin on his hand, elbow propped onto the table. No wonder he had dragged Kaneki to sit by the window. Kaneki couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the blond’s expression and lively eyes. He admitted that the sight of Hide with sickeningly pale skin and an exhausted, distressed face is the very last thing he wants to see.

  
  


“Hey, Kaneki, see something ya’ like?”

  
  


Brown orbs met grey. “E-eh?” Kaneki let out a startled sound. Was he staring?

  
  


A cheeky grin glazed Hide’s face. “I mean, I know I’m  _ impossible _ not to look at, so I don’t really blame you,” the blond wiggled his thick eyebrows, a chortle in his voice. A pastel pink shade dusted Kaneki’s cheekbones in slight embarrassment both for himself and Hide. Nonetheless, the raven breathed a laugh. Hide felt warmness bloom and spread in his chest, his cheeky grin expanding more, stretching his cheeks a bit further.

  
  


Averting his gaze, Kaneki momentarily looked out the window himself. He brought his hands onto the table. A small smile gracing his rosy lips, he spoke with honesty, “I… kind of missed your voice.”

  
  


He switched to watch his hands, fumbling with his fingers, the fond smile not leaving his features for a second. His freckled friend, on the other hand, felt like he could melt. His eyes widened just the tiniest bit, revealing more of his warm chocolatey irises. He felt heat flowing through his trunk, heading for his head to pool in his cheeks and the tips of his ears, and the warmness remarkably progressed, gushing in his stomach. It made him feel all bubbly inside.

  
  


“It’s… It’s been really quiet lately,” Kaneki confessed, now glancing up at Hide. The blond’s heart skipped a beat. His light stomach twisted at the sight of the gentle grey. He had to fight not to get that stupid crooked smile or cover his mouth with his hands. “S-Sorry if it’s weird!” Kaneki straightened up, a touch of panic in the statement. “I just… Your voice is back to normal, and...” he trailed off, not knowing how to finish his explanation without making it weird, which was the opposite of what he wanted. Making use of the moment, Hide covered his face with a smug look and confidently reckoned. “Heh, well, that’s good because it’s here _to stay_!” he exclaimed.

  
  


Kaneki smiled, relieved by Hide’s intrusion. He looked down to observe his hands again. “I’m glad,” he said to himself, but just loudly enough for the other to hear, too.

  
  


Right in that moment, their waiter returned, bringing them their ordered drinks. Hide’s heart throbbed against in his chest, his lungs trembling and his stomach knotting. As the man informed them both that the rest of their order will be brought over shortly, they thanked him and with that, he was gone. Hide’s gaze never left his best friend. He was astonished and nearly surprised by the other’s words.  _ ‘Oh, stars.’  _ If he wasn’t blushing furiously yet, he was one lucky man.

  
  


Completely unaware of Hide’s inner fluster, Kaneki took hold of his white cup, taking a sip. The blond couldn’t help but think it’s rather endearing. Following suit, Hide did the same. With a _ “soooo”  _ he began a conversation, setting his cup back down onto the small matching plate. They engaged in a casual chat.

  
  


Not long after, their waiter returned with their ordered food. As he left, Hide dug into his breakfast, hoping the price would be worth it. Kaneki joined Hide while said blond continued their discussion from where they left off, speaking with slight difficulty, seeing as his mouth was stuffed. “But, Kaneki, this is  _ much _ more important than manners!” was his retort to his best friend chiding him.

  
  


Kaneki only smiled, continuing with his food and listening on to the other’s cheery chatter. Hide tried not to melt into gush internally.

  
  


Stuffing the last piece of his delicious meal into his mouth, Hide chewed slowly, closely studying his best friend. He watched as Kaneki brought the food to his thin, pale lips, opening them to place the bit into his mouth. Kaneki carefully repeated the action over and over, sometimes getting crumbs on his lips or in the corner of his mouth. Hide watched with fascination, mesmerized by the raven’s mellow lips. Admittedly, he wanted nothing more than to feel them, to touch, to taste.

  
  


Something told Hide to avert his gaze, so his eyes slid further up, stopping at the silver irises. Surprise crossed his face, his eyebrows rising and his eyes widening. Kaneki’s eyes were staring right back at him, a mix of amusement and confusion in the silver. Hide grinned instantly, letting out a small chuckle. He hoped it would be enough of an ‘excuse’ or ‘explanation’, or  _ whatever _ , to his black haired friend. Kaneki returned to his food without prying much further and Hide turned his head to stare out the window, embarrassed. He felt heat crawling up his neck, and suddenly, the atmosphere seemed to tense, at least to him. The blond refused his hand, which urged to reach and rub at his neck awkwardly.

  
  


_ Keep your act, no matter what. Must not let  _ **_anything_ ** _ unwanted slip. A sloppy actor means unconvincing acting. _

  
  


He coughed inaudibly in an attempt to get rid of the uncomfortable lump that had formed in his throat. “Hey, u-um,” he started, turning back to face his friend. He mentally cursed himself for stuttering, “you were at the library yesterday, right?” Receiving a nod from him, he continued, “So, what’s that place like? You’ve been there a few times and you’re already, like, really into it. What’s the deal about, eh, Kaneki?” Hide asked, leaning forward with that childishly mischievous smile on.

  
  


That familiar, rare glint twinkled in Kaneki’s eyes as he perked up. “O-Oh! It’s really big! It has a lot of literature and different sections for different genres, an--!” he abruptly cut himself off, as he began coughing, having choked on his food.

  
  


Hide reached out a troubled hand, worry flashing across his face, “Are you okay?”

  
  


Kaneki’s coughs calmed and he waved at Hide in an assuring gesture. “Yes, sorry!”

  
  


The blond relaxed back into his seat, crossing his hands in front of his chest. “Wow, you got so excited over that library you didn’t even chew your food properly. And yet, you have the persistence to keep denying you’re a massive nerd!  _ Unbelieveable _ , Kaneki,” he teased, cocking an eyebrow.

  
  


Kaneki only rolled his eyes, smiling at Hide, as he quickly put the last bit of his own meal into his mouth. “Hey, you ready to pay?” his friend asked, motioning to their empty plates and cups.

  
  


“Ah, sure, just let me--,” Kaneki reached for his shoulder bag, before Hide cut him off, slapping his hands down onto the pale teen’s shoulders.

  
  


“Nope, you are not! I’m paying, remember?” he gave Kaneki a beaming grin. Kaneki, on the other hand, puffed his cheeks, hesitating.

  
  


“You don’t have to, Hide! I can just- I can pay for myself, you know,” he reminded. Hide puffed his cheeks in response.

  
  


“Sure you can! _ But! _ I consider it my responsibility to pay!” Hide pulled a smile on his lips, softening his gaze. He lowered his voice, “Come on, ‘Neki. We already discussed this. You shouldn’t have even brought your wallet. You already made me a big favour, now I need to repay! It’s only fair!”

  
  


Kaneki breathed out through his nose, obviously not entirely happy about letting this happen. Hide smiled wider and patted the raven’s shoulders lightly, “And don’t feel like you’re using me or something. You aren’t, man. I just wanna do something nice for you.”

  
  


An obscure, odd glimpse of a look crossed Kaneki’s eyes.  _ So Hide knows what’s up. _

  
  


Wanting to make sure it’s cool with Kaneki, Hide opened his mouth, but giggles and whispers in the distance cut him off. He glanced in the general direction of the noise and saw some of the cafe’s waiters and baristas at the counter, seeming to have a conversation going on between them. But, what caught Hide’s attention was the fact that most of them, if not all, were giving him and Kaneki strange stares and peeks, as if they were the subject of their gossips.

  
  


Before he could question it, though, he noticed another thing: the hushed ‘ _ aww’ _ s and funny smiles the colleagues exchanged. He felt heat rise in his cheeks.

  
  


For one more second, he watched as their waiter whispered something in one of the baristas’ ear, who covered her mouth, possibly to hide her smile, until Hide turned away and, maybe, a bit too quickly sat back into his seat. A swirl of heat brushed against the inside of his chest and a bubbly feeling tickled his stomach. He realised Kaneki must’ve overlooked the whole thing, hence the raven sent a confused look.

  
  


_ ‘They probably think we’re a couple bickering… .’  _ The thought alone made heat curl all the way from the tips of his toes to his head .

  
  


“Excuse me, are you ready to pay?” at the side of their table, came the deep voice of their server. Hide cursed himself for jumping in his seat, startled by the sudden intruder.

  
  


“Yes, we’re ready. Right, Kaneki?” he glanced at said boy and he nodded.

  
  


“Do you two need separate checks or are you paying together?”

  
  


“Together,” Hide confirmed, drumming his fingers on the table. A sly smirk tug at the man’s lips, but he quickly masked it with a polite smile. Not too quick for Hide not to catch on to it. He wanted to cover his face and scream. This is so much.

  
  


“Okay. Just a minute,” and with that, the friendly-looking man was gone. Hide turned back to face his best friend, only to be greeted with his scrutinizing stare. “Hide, are you sure you’re feeling alright? Maybe you should’ve stayed in today as well...” That sent surprise to flash over Hide’s face. He fake-gasped, forcing the stupid, bubbly feeling aside, “ _ Nonsense, _ Kaneki.”

  
  


Kaneki then smiled. “If you say so, Hide,” he sighed.

  
  


Right after paying, they stood up and set to leave. As they walked out the glass door, Hide was more than aware of the people giggling and spying on them from the counter. Once they were outside and walking down the surprisingly empty street, the blond decided to bring up the conversation they were having back at the cafe.

  
  


The bleached blond plastered a grin onto his face and nudged the other in the side, “So, you were telling me about the library?” Kaneki’s eyes immediately lightened up.

  
  


“Oh! Right! As I said, it’s big and has a large collecting of books... ” a light blush of excitement bloomed on his cheeks as he continued on about his now, apparently, new favourite place. Hide stuffed his hands in his pockets and his smile softened. Carefully listening, he eyed the scene ahead of himself, occasionally stealing peeks from Kaneki. Honestly, that voice was better than any music he has ever heard.

  
  


After describing the place with thorough detail, Kaneki’s voice slowed down. “Hey, Hide?”

  
  


“Yeah?” Hide gazed Kaneki’s way. He felt his heart tremble at the sound of him saying his name.

  
  


The blush on his friend’s cheekbones had progressed, Hide noted. “Well, there’s this one librarian who works there...” Kaneki said, looking down at the sidewalk. The blush spread to the tips of his ears. Hide couldn’t explain why, but he was starting to get a bad feeling about this. “And… I- Uhm,” he now proceeded to stare straight ahead of himself, looking as if he had his lips zipped shut. 

  
  


“Hey, just spit it out, ‘Neki,” Hide laughed, gently nudging the other again, urging him to spill the beans. He studied the flustered expression of the other, getting a little nervous. Hopefully, his gut is wrong about this.

  
  


“I like her,” he finally blurted out, “and I-I want to show her to you.”

  
  


As Kaneki spoke, everything slowed down, until it came to a complete halt just when Kaneki finished his sentence. Hide felt as if he had stopped in his tracks, even though he, surely, was still walking next to Kaneki down the sunlit street. All of the happiness and the warmth in his chest abandoned his body, and suddenly, he felt beaten. Shattered, even. His chest filled with sticky heaviness; it gurgled upwards into his throat, forming a bulky lump. He swallowed it.

  
  


He prayed his voice wouldn’t break. “Oh-ho, someone’s got a  _ crush _ , eh?” he teased, turning to fully look at his best friend, whose face painted with a deep red blush at the comment. Hide was starting to find it harder to breathe.

  
  


“H-Hide!” Kaneki began to protest, but then rolled his eyes. “Yes, okay. Fine! I have a  _ crush. _ Are you happy now? I already said it.”

  
  


Hide swore his heart had dropped to the ground. So much for a good start.

  
  


He forced his lips to keep a smirk and he snickered, ignoring Kaneki’s serious admission. “Sure I’m happy! So, when do I get to see the lucky girl? Is she cuter than me?” he joked, but instantly regretted that. Of course she is.

  
  


Kaneki smiled and rolled his eyes, “Maybe you could come with me on Monday? She only works the afternoon shifts on workdays.”

  
  


“Sounds good to me!” the blond said, ruffling the other’s black hair. Kaneki, naturally, ushered him away, but laughed with Hide nonetheless.

  
  


Stuffing his hands back into his pockets, Hide stared at the sidewalk in front of his moving feet. For his best friend’s sake, he did his best to keep his appearance beaming and cheery, but he could do nothing to waver the thick hollowness growing and spreading in the pit of his stomach like a black hole.

  
  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


The teen rolled onto his back, putting his hands behind his head. He slowly blinked, staring at the ceiling. Warm, vibrant colours poured into his room through the window, coloring the view for him. It was pretty late, though the blond couldn’t bring himself to sleep just yet.

  
  


Sighing, he rolled back onto his side, turning to stare at the objects in his room. 

  
  


A barely organised mess. A few very important posters here and there, a pile of papers and random items on his desk. The clock, the closet. He eyed the manga messily stuffed onto the shelves in no particular order.

  
  


The floor was quite the warfield. He really should get around to picking up his laundry some time.

  
  


_ ‘Messy,’ _ he muttered in his mind. As if stating that to himself would give him motivation to do anything. The only reason he would even try is Kaneki coming over and that hasn’t happened in a while.

  
  


Sliding his gaze back to the manga, a thought struck him. What about the book Kaneki brought him? He swiftly propped himself into a sitting position, as he willed himself to remember where he put the book.

  
  


After all, Kaneki had brought it _just for_ _him_ from that rusty, old library-

  
  


_ ‘Oh.’ _

  
  


Hide stopped in his tracks. Any of the possibly budding warmth and positivity faded without any trace, leaving him as empty as mere seconds ago.

  
  


_ ‘Right. The library.’ _

  
  


The blond fell back onto the bed, face-first into the pillow. He lied there for a few long moments until he pushed his hands underneath the headrest. After a second, he turned his head to allow himself to breathe normally.

  
  


A bitter taste filled his mouth and he lowered his eyes, staring at his bright orange bed sheets. He felt his chest ache and he closed his eyes.

  
  


Kaneki hasn’t told him much about the girl’s appearance, however, coming from what he’s already heard, she was the most beautiful woman. Polite and somewhat confident with her words, to fit her ‘nice’ personality, as Kaneki described it.

  
  


He wondered if she fell under the possible conditions to be _Kaneki’s_ _type._ Over the years and countless flustered peeks and embarrassed blushes, Hide full well knew who and what Kaneki tends to find appealing and vice versa. Without even trying to, without even _realising_ it, Hide knew everything. Every little thing.

  
  


Hide also knew he did not fall into any of Kaneki’s type categories. None. He did not meet any of the criteria, not even the  _ minimal _ requirements. Not at all, nothing. Absolute zero. 

  
  


He shuffled a bit, bringing both of his hands next to his face. He gently placed them onto his pillow. The far-too-familiar clenching knot in his stomach urged him to pull his knees closer to his chest.

  
  


Opening up his eyes back again, he saw the sun had set. Deep, void-like darkness engrossed his room, making him stare off into complete nothingness as his eyes adjusted to the gloom. For a moment, he even considered turning on the Christmas lights he had secured to his bedroom walls the day after he moved here, away from his parents. It was one of those things he had always wanted but was never allowed to do.

  
  


And still, Hide couldn’t find it in himself to get up. Not even the thought of how cozy his room used to feel when it was filled with the dim, almost magical light of the small, colourful lights. Not even the thought of his very own best friend comfortably snuggling on his bed and reading in the glow of the lights was of any use.

  
  


His hand clutched the fabric of the pillow, knuckles turning white. His knees drew themselves even closer to his chest, as he cowered into a fetal position. He was so  _ pathetic _ .

  
  


He doesn’t want to think about this right now. Hell, he doesn’t want to think of  _ anything _ at all anymore.

  
  


_ It hurts. It still hurts _ .

  
  


A shaky breath escaped his lips before Hide shut his mouth into a thin line in a struggling attempt to keep it from trembling.

  
  


Even after all this time… _ ‘It’s still like this.’ _

  
  


His head felt heavy as he let go of the pillow. He let his eyes slip closed.

  
  


Hide wants to feel happy for Kaneki, but instead he’s breaking over _why couldn’t it have been_ **_him_**.

  
  


He’s hopeless, he’s  _ disgusting _ . He can’t even  _ sleep  _ because he’s afraid of what he might encounter. He can’t do anything, he’s stuck. He knows it’s pointless, but so is he.

  
  


And all of this is only,  _ only _ his fault.

  
  


Hauntingly slowly, unnoticed it slips past his closed eyelids. Quickly staining and soaking his  pillow, tiny rivers ran down the constellation-covered cheeks and nose, washing away a dust the pent-up, brittle emotions.

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  
  


_ A bone-crushing weight pushed down onto his chest. He couldn’t tell whether his feet were glued or nailed, but something kept him in place; he couldn’t move an inch from where he stood. His body ached. _

  
  


_ The world around him was a blur, black at the edges. He felt as if the space around him kept closing in on him, even if he couldn’t see it. Looking around, dozens of dark streets and buildings surrounded him. Nothing in his eye range seemed familiar. _

  
  


_ Panic, confusion, distress. _

  
  


_ In the corner of his eyes, he saw a figure. Hide turned towards it. Immense relief drooled through his body; it was Kaneki. However, the blond quickly realised something was wrong. _

  
  


_ Kaneki stood there, in front of him, towering over Hide’s helpless form. His eyes were sharp as he bored intensely into Hide’s skull. ‘Hide,’ he spoke. But it wasn’t the usual tender melody of Kaneki’s voice, no, it was soaked in utter hatred and disgust. Revulsion melted and dripped off of his pale lips, and suddenly, Hide couldn’t see. _

  
  


_ Something was crushing him, something had pinned him to the ground. Skinny hands hurled themselves around his neck, nails gripping violently into Hide’s skin, and they clenched, and clenc _ **_hed, and clenched-_ **

  
  
  


Hide threw his eyes open, bolting up in his bed, as he gasped, “ _ Kaneki…! _ ”

  
  


Chest rising and falling rapidly, his hands shook severely. He brought them to his forehead, frantically looking around his room with wide eyes. His face was wet and his palms sweaty. He inhaled air with irregular, sharp pants, his panic-stricken mind struggling to destress. With trembling hands, he took the sides of his head into his hold, clenching his eyes back shut. The only thing he could feel was his entire body shaking as his heart clobbered against his ribcage.

  
  


After what felt like a horrid eternity, his breathing began to calm down. Only when his breaths were slow and steady did Hide dare to open his eyes again. Slowly, he removed his hands from his head and placed the still trembling limbs onto his lap.

  
  


After staring down at his hands for another moment, Hide finally lied back down onto his bed. Upon noticing the dampness of his pillow, Hide examined his face with the tips of his fingers. Surely, his cheeks were obviously stained wet.

  
  


He searched for his alarm clock on the bedstand.  _ 3:14 AM. _

  
  


With a deep frown, he sighed.  _ ‘Still long ‘til morning… .’ _

  
  


He knit his eyebrows together and glanced where his phone and headphones should be on his desk. Despite great exhaustion, he stood and grabbed them from the table. Lying back down, he placed his headphones over his ears and, putting a random song on, turned the volume as loud as he could handle. He closed his eyes and draped the back of his hand over them.

  
  


Because it was the best way to, more-or-less, harmlessly drown out any and all thoughts, while also managing to keep yourself painfully awake.

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  
  


Monday rolled around quicker than Hide had wanted it to.

  
  


He and Kaneki were walking down one of the streets nearby Hide’s apartment and, apparently, nearby the library too. Hide recognised the buildings and shops, he has been here once or twice. It was one of those calm, pretty streets with small shops and flowers in front of second floor windows.

  
  


Kaneki walked with a bit of spring in his step, trying to conceal his smile as he strode next to Hide. A light, excited blush colored Kaneki’s pale cheeks and a singular glint glistened in his grey eyes. He looked truly happy.

  
  


Hide felt a heavy weight gnaw at his chest. He  _ wanted _ Kaneki to be happy and he  _ wished  _ he could be happy for Kaneki, too. And  _ yet,  _ he wishes it wasn’t like this. He doesn’t want  _ this. _

  
  


He grit his teeth.  _ Better not think about this. _

  
  


He begged himself to take his mind elsewhere. Fixating his gaze on the flowers gracing the numerous window sills, he focused on their beauty.

  
  


Maybe, this day coming isn’t that bad. At least Hide had a reason to get out of his apartment. What had he been doing over the weekend, anyways? Nothing. He just stayed in bed and pitied himself.

  
  


_ ‘Cool. Now I can pity myself outside of my apartment. Amazing.’ _

  
  


As sarcastic as he tried to make the thought be, it was more pathetic than anything. Nothing about getting out today was good. Maybe he shouldn’t even have come.

  
  


_ No _ . The blond quickly batted the thought away. He couldn’t not come. It was for his best friend! Not coming would be like spitting in his face. That’s not what supportive best friends do. And Hide’s a supportive best friend, right?

  
  


He wanted to think it’s true.

  
  


“Here it is,” a soft voice brightly chirped next to him, pulling Hide back into reality. They stood in front of a 3 story maroon building with narrow windows. Old-timey.

  
  


Vile bitterness set in his mouth. Hide wished it would go away.

  
  


Forcing a wide grin onto his lips, he hummed in acknowledgement. “Let’s go in, then?” he asked and Kaneki nodded, opening the brown wood door. They stepped inside, and were immediately met with the smell of books. The scent of wood also lingered in the air, bringing the image of a comfy chair by a fireplace, the flames lighting up the room covered in the deep night’s dark, to Hide’s mind.

  
  


They stood in the general entrance area in the front of the library. Ahead of them, Hide saw a handful of aisles, countless shelves stocked with an ocean of books. Separate aisles and sections had a sign indicating the type of literature that could be found there. To their left was a large desk with a computer and various office supplies, such as post-it notes and a hole puncher. An old, scary looking lady with thick glasses sat at the table. As she peered at the two, Hide shuddered. Her judgemental stare made him feel like they were about to get in trouble.

  
  


“Why, if it isn’t Kaneki,” the elderly lady spoke. A weak excuse of a smile scrunched her old, wrinkly face, making her appear even older, surprisingly enough. Kaneki stumbled a bit and bowed lightly, greeting the senior woman in return.

  
  


“Already returning the books?” her smile didn’t fall away, but Hide could tell keeping it on was starting to annoy her. Although appearing bitter, the woman did seem to actually enjoy talking to his best friend, even if she wasn’t doing such a good job at showing it. _‘At least she’s trying,’_ the blond thought.

  
  


“A-ah! Yes!” Kaneki nodded and shuffled closer to the table, fumbling with his book bag. Drawing out a book Hide didn’t recognise and a white card, - presumably Kaneki’s library card, - Kaneki set them down onto the surface carefully. The librarian kept small talk with the boy.

  
  


Hide stood by, looking around. He saw a stairway he didn’t notice before. He assumed it probably led to the second floor of the library.

  
  


Glancing back to his best friend, the blond saw Kaneki bowing politely again and the woman wishing him to have fun. A smug smirk slowly plastered itself on his lips. As Kaneki began guiding Hide further into the library, the smirk tug at his lips more and a snicker pushed past his lips, despite the teen’s halfhearted attempts to stifle it.

  
  


Kaneki glanced back at Hide with a questioning look, pulling them to a stop. “What are you laughing about?” he asked.

  
  


“Never knew you were into older women, ‘Neki,” he teased. A look of mild confusion went over Kaneki’s face, until it was replaced with an expression of disgust and fluster as his face heated red in realisation. “N-No! Hide, gross!” He sputtered. “That’s- That wasn’t-!”

  
  


“Sorry, sorry!” Hide snickered. “I know she’s not the girl,” he waved his hands dismissively, smiling. Another snicker broke past his lips before he could stop it. “You said she usually works at the desk on Mondays and I just couldn’t pass the chance.”

  
  


His face an embarrassing shade of red, Kaneki shook his head. “... Idiot,” he said, turning back around and continuing on guiding Hide through the book maze.

 

“Thanks, you too.”

  
  


Hide followed his friend’s lead and could practically hear the other rolling his eyes with a smile.

  
  


An almost sincere smile slipped onto his lips. Somehow, this felt familiar. Like an old memory. As they passed the aisles, Hide observed the books lined on the shelves. Some of them were old and worn, with yellow pages and torn edges, while a lot looked rather new. Thick, weighty books squeezed the thinner ones in between themselves, as if demanding respect. He recognised quite a few of them, as well. Mostly because Kaneki had read them, Hide guessed.

  
  


Hide could hear no sound other than his and Kaneki’s footsteps and yet, the air was full, although not heavy. The books breathed, spilling prose under their low puffs. To him, it felt magical. Or, maybe, it was Kaneki’s nerdiness brushing off on him.

  
  


A strange sense of nostalgia piled up in Hide’s chest. They used to go to quiet, nice,  _ magical _ places all the time as kids. Sometimes, he recalled, he would even drag Kaneki out to discover more strange places. He wondered why they had ever stopped doing that.

 

Before he could notice, they had come to the library’s reading area. Kaneki had grabbed a book on his way, surprisingly without Hide taking note of that. Sitting down at one of the tables with Kaneki, a thought that he probably should’ve brought his detective novel crossed Hide’s mind. He had started reading it, after all.

  
  


An inaudible sigh escaped his lips. He wasn’t likely to go search for an alternative to read right now, so he was left with a small amount of options. He scanned their surroundings, taking in the sight. If his guess is correct, they should be somewhere in the back of the building. But then again, he hasn’t seen the entire library; their route was rather straight-forward. How big even is this place? Hide made a mental note to explore it further. Maybe even get Kaneki to give him a tour, or simply tag along.

  
  


Subconsciously, the tan teen’s eyes slid back onto the raven sitting across from him. Kaneki’s gaze was fixated on the book in his hands. In his gentle, fragile hands. He flipped a yellowed page with such care only he was capable of. Suddenly, Hide became aware of just how calm the silence engrossing them was. The well-lit reading area was rid of anyone but them.

  
  


Kaneki’s figure was still and peaceful. His shoulders relaxed as he leaned into the back of his chair. Warm shadows fell onto his face, defining his features and bringing out the flush of his cheeks. Hide assumed it was from the heat; Kaneki never was a summer person.

  
  


He glanced up from the story on the book’s pages, meeting the other’s chocolate eyes. A beam stretched on Hide’s lips in a greeting. A tender smile from the raven returned the favour, and his eyes glided back onto the delicate sheets.

  
  


The reading boy’s silk hair looked like it needed a hand to run through it. Hide was tempted to obligate, however, he stayed motionless. Transfixed, a light feeling lifted his chest.

  
  


It was nice. Just the two of them.

  
  


For the first time in the last couple days, Hide felt somewhat at peace. His heart wished it would stay like this.

  
  


Maybe today wasn’t so bad after all.

  
  


But no.

  
  


Hide shifted in his seat, finally remembering the reason behind coming here in the first place. The calming silence of the place insolently became heavy, like it was anticipating to do just that.

  
  


“So,” Hide began, drawing out the word. He already regretted breaking the silence when Kaneki looked up from his book. The blond didn‘t want this, “where’s the girl you wanted to show me, anyways?”

  
  


Kaneki pursued his lips, thinking. “Ah, I haven’t seen her around yet.” He paused, “She might be somewhere else in the building?”

  
  


_ ‘Or she’s not here today,’ _ went unsaid. Taking from the way Kaneki began biting his lips, making their porcelain pale turn a shade redder, Hide guessed his thought. A deep, aching feeling of guilt spread throughout his body from his very core, because he actually wished it was  _ that.  _ He hoped she wasn’t here, he hoped she wouldn’t come, not today, maybe not  _ ever,  _ and it  _ made him  _ **_sick_ ** _. _ He  _ is _ sick.

  
  


He rested his chin in his hand, looking away. Maybe it was just him, but the library seemed to become darker, the numerous aisles and books on the shelves throwing dramatic shadows.

  
  


Doing his best not to frown, he stared at the aisles, pretending to be lost in thought. After a few moments of silence, Hide realised he has been being rather quiet. Uncharacteristically so. 

_ ‘Has Kaneki noticed?’ _ As he opened his mouth set to start a conversation, he saw a woman coming out of one of the aisles behind Kaneki.

  
  


She had dark hair, just a shade browner than Kaneki’s, styled in a bob. Her outfit was simple, yet elegant; a light blue blouse and a flowy knee-length skirt. Detecting the two, her expression changed, a tinge of surprise in it, and she began walking towards their table. As she drew closer, more of her features became clearer. A pair of glasses rested on the bridge of her nose. Hide figured she works here.

  
  


The library worker’s badge on her shirt read  _ Kurosawa Bunko. _

  
  


“Good morning, Kaneki,” the woman’s, as to be expected, soft voice sang. Kaneki’s head spun around to meet the speaker, maybe even a little too quickly. His gray eyes lit up,  _ the  _ glint in them. Suddenly, realisation hit Hide.  _ ‘Oh.’ _ Hiding his newly reformed frown in his hand, he watched the two from across the table, a sour feeling gurling upwards into his throat.

  
  


The  _ oh-so lovely  _ flush of pink on Kaneki’s cheeks darkened, which Hide would’ve been pleased about, if not for this situation and the cause.

  
  


All of a sudden, he wanted to be anywhere but here.

  
  


“A-Ah, hello, Kurosawa!” Kaneki stammered in return, face heating up. She nodded with a smile. Spotting Hide sitting across Kaneki, brief surprise went over her face. “I see you have someone with you today?” She addressed the question to Kaneki.

  
  


“Yes! This is my friend,” Kaneki shifted his eyes between them, expecting them to continue. Recognition flashed in her eyes. “The one who got sick?” she guessed. Kaneki nodded and Hide followed right up. Ignoring his inner hesitation, he smiled politely and stood up, extending his hand, “Nagachika Hideyoshi.”

  
  


Taking Hide’s hand across the table and shaking it, she cooed, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Nagachika. Kaneki has told me a lot about you. I hope your health is okay now.”

  
  


_ ‘What does it even matter to you.’ _

  
  


“Likewise. I’m fine now. Thank you for your concern!”

  
  


_ ‘Go away, go  _ **_away_ ** _.’ _

  
  


She switched her focus back onto Kaneki and Hide sat back down. “What brings you here today?”

  
  


“Ah-h, I came to return Takatsuki’s  _ Salt and Opium _ ,” a shy smile ghosted on his thin lips. Hide slumped deeper into his seat.

  
  


Kurosawa’s eyebrows raised as her lively face lit up. She was pretty obviously delighted. “You finished it so quickly… You enjoyed her debut work that much, huh, Kaneki?”

  
  


Eagerly, Kaneki nodded his head  _ ‘yes’. _ “Y-yes! It was amazingly written-- it’s incredible that she was still in her teens when it came out..! She is so  _ talented, _ ” he marveled in a single breath.

  
  


Her friendly smile never left her rosy lips as she agreed with Kaneki. She brought her weight onto one of her legs and asked about what Kaneki liked most about the book he finished.

  
  


As Hide watched them engage in conversation, a revolting feeling balled his stomach, making it squeeze in on itself. He averted his eyes.

  
  


Hide felt so out of place. He doesn’t want to be here, not here,  _ not here. _

  
  


The two book-lovers went on about literature, and he patiently sat across from them, busying himself with his phone. However, when the librarian offered to find Kaneki a book, something ticked in the blond.

  
  


“‘Ey, ‘Neki? I’m gonna go search for something, yeah? I don’t really get any of your nerdy book stuff, anyways. So I’m gonna leave you two to be nerds,” Hide piped in, standing up. Kaneki’s attention successfully captured, the raven looked at Hide for a moment.

  
  


“Oh. Sure,” he said. After a short pause, embarrassment crossed his face. He whined quietly, “It’s _ not _ nerdy, Hide… .”

  
  


A somewhat challenging look set on Hide’s face.  _ Don’t try to tell me it’s untrue now.  _ But it was quickly replaced with an apologetic one when the embarrassment didn’t leave Kaneki’s cheeks.

  
  


Bright giggles ushered the boys to look at Kurosawa. Before they could begin to express their confusion, she smiled, “Well, I can’t deny that it, indeed,  _ is  _ rather nerdy.” Kaneki was astonished. Hide could tell by the way his mouth loosened and his eyes opened wide. A laugh escaped the nerd as well and he instinctively brought a hand up to his mouth to cover it.

  
  


Hide’s tongue felt vile and misplaced in his mouth.

  
  


Just as he was about to turn around, Kaneki glanced back at him, a glimpse of something in between an apology and gratitude in his eyes, and a smile on his lips. Hide attempted to smile back, in a sort of  _ no worries  _ gesture.

  
  


Kaneki turned around and so did Hide.

  
  


He walked down a random aisle. He did his best not to glare at the floor as he tucked his hands deep into his shorts' pockets. His vision seemed to blur. He felt sick. His stomach tied itself into an odious knot, and it was only getting tighter with every second. In fact, he felt so sick, he could throw up.

  
  


Coming today was a mistake, everything about this was a mistake.

  
  


He shouldn’t be here, he is not needed here. He is only an inconvenience.

  
  


He glanced up. Almost instantly, he stopped in his tracks. Taking in the setting he ended up in, he blinked. Locating a section sign, he realised he wandered off into the romantic fiction aisles.

  
  


“Great,” he grumbled under his breath. Bitterly, he returned to staring at the ground. He wasn’t sure if his mind was so full of buzzing thoughts that he couldn’t focus on any, or if his head was completely empty.

  
  


His hands began shaking slightly. Hide breathed out of his nose and closed his eyes. He can’t be mad. He has no right to. He’s the supportive, cheery friend, right? He’s happy for Kaneki. He must be.

  
  


A breath hitched in his throat. He began walking again, heading somewhere else. Anywhere. He would have to find some place where he could distract himself without leaving the library.  _ ‘I can’t ditch Kaneki.’ _

  
  


He felt bad. He felt so bad, and it was crushing him. A lump formed in his throat as he tried to calm down.

  
  


Looking up again, he saw he was in a hallway. The lamps on the ceiling were dim; it seemed deserted. Gradually, his feet came to a stop. He stood there, unmoving.

  
  


His head felt light and heavy at the same time. It felt hazy. A broken breath broke past his lips and he clenched his eyes shut. He pressed his side against the wall, pleading himself not to slide down onto the floor. He can’t, he can’t,  _ he can’t.  _ Not _here._

  
  


Everything around him felt dark. He felt trapped. It didn’t feel magical, it was nothing like his happy, naive memories of their childhood. It was dark and angry. It was  _ sad. _

  
  


He wrapped his arms around himself in a desperate attempt to keep himself together, although no one would probably see him go to pieces, anyways. He could collapse at any moment. What a pathetic, depressing sight.

  
  


His hands clutched his shirt tightly.

  
  


_ ‘I’m so sorry, Kaneki.’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes. Pain. A suitable Valentine's day gift
> 
> Again, sorry for the wait and the short length of the chapter!
> 
> I feel like I didn't do a good job with keeping my writing style, but hopefully you still enjoyed it! Thank you for reading!!
> 
> come by and say hi to me on tumblr @ [chocolienits](http://chocolienits.tumblr.com)!


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